Coffee and Other Forms of Poison
by Socha28
Summary: The thought of ever becoming a wealthy heroin importer never crossed Alex's mind. It was something that she could never fathom. But neither was being raped at twenty-one and becoming a mother. Neither was being damaged by love or lust. Neither was awakening the demons that lurked in the corners of her memory. And neither was falling for her daughter's AP English teacher.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Hello, darlings. I'm Socha and this is my very first work that I am publishing so just bear with me. This story mainly comes from the point of view of Alex, but Piper is in here a great deal as well. I got super lazy with coming up with the title and I apologize deeply for my lack of creativity. I also apologize for any mistakes or errors that you may come across. I will try my very hardest to update as much as possible, but I have lots of stuff going on and it will be difficult at times. I really, really appreciate reviews, follows, stuff like that but then again, who doesn't? Anyway, I'm personally very happy with where it's going so far and I really hope you like it too. Love you, ~S_

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from OITNB. No copyright infringement intended

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Chapter One

Here's the thing about motherhood: as prepared or ready as you can be, it's the biggest, most untimely shock of your life. Of course, yes. Starting with a 4 people in a delivery room and all of a sudden there are 5 is quite obviously a _shock_. But it's different sort of shock. One day it's you alone in your luxury apartment and the next thing you know, you're driving a _minivan_ in the _suburbs_ and you're standing in the kitchen with a babbling toddler on your hip. And you can't help but wonder

" _How the fuck did I get here?_ "

It's the ultimate test of every skill, knack, or any other peculiar art form you've ever obtained over the course of your life leading up to childbirth. And no matter how studied up you think you are on every parenting book you could get your hands on, it never fails to find a way to hit at your blindest side and make you feel like you've made the biggest mistake of your life. You're terrified of letting the kid _you brought into the world_ down and you almost want to cry. And you do. There are endless amounts of tears, plenty of heartache, _more_ tears. But in the end it's worth it, right?

That was all about halfway true for Alex Vause.

Twenty-one year old Alex didn't have the word "motherhood" in her vocabulary. For one, she hated children. She thought they were a too much racket and added to much lethargy for her upscale, uptempo lifestyle. She thought that deliberately wanting to have a child was a good joke told at a shitty bar. But that wasn't the entire reason as to why she didn't want kids. She didn't want kids because quite frankly, she was scared. Twenty-one year old Alex was a perfectionist. She saw how her own tired mother worked four jobs and _still_ struggled to pay the bills or feed even _one_ of them. Alex didn't have the heart to put her hypothetical child through the same. She didn't want the little thing to see their mother weak. She didn't want them to only _get by._ Sure, she had a more than great job at a heroin cartel and sure she had more than enough money, but something in Alex stopped her from ever considering it. Alex didn't want to fuck up. As much as she hated children and as sacred as her promise to never have children was, she _never_ wanted to let her kid down. _Ever._

But twenty-one-year-old Alex didn't know a lot of things. She didn't know that she would be raped on the lonely walk home from a seedy club after getting drunk off her ass. She didn't know that she wouldn't go through with the abortion that could've resolved the whole issue, ultimately breaking her promise of a childless future. She didn't know that she'd fall hopelessly in love with the baby that would wrap its tiny hands around her index finger. The one who gripped it with all her infant strength as if to say "I'm your's". She didn't know how every callous opinion about children and motherhood would melt away like thin ice, just with one brown-eyed glance from her perfect accident. She didn't know how quickly seventeen years would slip through her fingertips like sand in an hourglass and how much she would _kill_ to earn all that time back. Just to do it all over again.

Thirty-something year old Alex now knew that. And it almost made her want to bless the day she was raped.

Alex sat heavily on a leather bar stool at the kitchen counter. The younger girl already behind it placed a steaming mug in front of her.

Vienna roast, half and half, no sugar.

Just the way she liked it.

She wrapped her bitter hands around the mug and thanked her. The girl responded with a mundane yet lucid smile. Those wordless answers never failed to light the spacious kitchen, far before the sun could touch the sky. Despite the early hour, she had already pulled her dark hair up in a loose bun. The style boasted the simple piercings that were on her ears. Two diamond studs per lobe, an extra on her left, and a thin barbell that passed through the top of her right. The tattoos of the planets' symbols on her forearm, the wolf face on her ring finger, and the large black sunflower on her left arm were proudly displayed on her body. Though many disliked them or thought they were too outlandish, she didn't care and continued flaunting them. It was her own method of telling the world to fuck off. She never cared for flashy clothing or intentionally drew attention to herself, but somehow, she always managed to capture everyone's eye. Even if it was just for a little over a second. Whether it was for her contemporary sense of style or disdain for her choice of self-expression, she had everyone's attention wrapped around her finger. She enjoyed being alternative to what others expected out of girls her age. Her mother delighted in it as well. Despite her comparatively short stature and her chocolate colored eyes, she looked just like Alex. Some would turn their nose and disagree. They only observed the physical aspects of the two. But really, they were clones. In the way they spoke, laughed, and carried confidence everywhere they went.

Alex was taking gracious sips of her steaming cup of warmth. She lowered her thick framed glasses from the crown of her head to the narrow bridge of her nose. She was only dressed in a loose shirt and a pair of exercise pants she never cared to break a sweat in. Her long raven hair was tangled in a careless mess and her weary greenish eyes were still wavering in and out of focus. Her ears were still adjusting to the sounds around her. The near silent whirr of the coffee machine, the light pattering of her daughter's feet on the cold tile, and the muffled sounds of the horns outside were still deafening to her.

"I'll be home at 3 if that's okay. You'll be home right?" The girl had traveled to the living area across the way and was packing heavily-paged books and art supplies into a tattered canvas bag. Her mother was far too swamped in the bubbling muck of her early morning drowsiness to answer her question.

"Mom. Alex."

"Yeah. That's fine. I'll be here," Alex finally woke up enough to answer.

"Why do you even get up this early? It's not like you have to."

"True. But it's kind of nice to know that you're almost guaranteed a cup of coffee."

That was partly correct. Alex just wanted to steal a brief goodbye from the girl before she headed out into the bustling world. She loved her that much.

The girl was an angel child. An unearthly gift bestowed upon the mother by whatever hypothetical deity resided in the clouds. Alex never had to lay a punishing hand on her for disciplinary reasons, let alone discipline her at all. She never complained or whined like other children her age. Never spoke back or answered with a sharp tongue. Alex never had to tell the child to work. It was already ingrained deep into the morals she was never taught. She worked hard in school without a murmur of objection, exceeding every example set before her. She refused to bring back less than perfection, even when her mother gave reassuring objection to her daughter's cutthroat standards. By age five, she was already acting and thinking like a functioning member of society. It was like having a pint-sized Alex Vause walking around the lavish apartment.

She never liked children. And Alex had not a fucking clue how she wound up with such a good one.

"Wow, so I'm just the coffee girl?" She trudged over to her sarcastic jest of a mother, who was finishing off the last of her cup.

"No. You're my coffee girl," Alex smiled at her and poked the coffee girl's stomach. She recoiled backward and protested. Alex stopped laughing to admire her. The way she rocketed backward on her weighted legs just to protect herself from an innocent touch to the stomach. The way she tended to her bun like a cat would to a dirty paw. She studied these little things and breathed them in like air.

"Bye, kid."

"Bye, Mom."

And she was off.  
-

"Good morning, I apologize for being so late," the new English teacher was frantically walking to her desk. It was submerged under cardboard boxes that still were yet to be unpacked. "I'm Miss Chapman and I'm gonna be your new teacher."

It was barely three months into the term and they already had a new teacher. The former English teacher got hitched and moved to Ohio, leaving her students with whoever claimed the open position. Little did the students care. They hated anyone who had anything to do with schoolwork. After shuffling through several papers and apologizing again, she finally took her seat in front of her class. She smiled at the sea of washed out faces before her, receiving nothing in return. Defeat was subtle in her crystal blue eyes.

"So, um. I'm gonna call role and learn your names. Hopefully," she nervously tucked blonde hair behind her ear and pulled out a clipboard and pen. The girl's name was among the last. Her voice came from the very back corner of the classroom. It was a misleading spot for teachers, but she never failed surprise them by excelling in the classes.

"Now. I know that you've probably been reading something else, but I just want to start off class with some speech analysis. Julius Caesar." Miss Chapman dropped a hefty stack of papers on the desk nearest to her, causing the whole class to jolt awake. The sheets made their way across the room until it finally reached the girl's delicate hands. It was Brutus's speech. She let out a dead puff of air as she clipped the text in her binder. Shakespeare was too familiar to her. She had read Julius Caesar three times before this, just for personal enrichment. The tired book sat on her bedside table, waiting to be loved again. The poor thing was littered notes in the empty spaces and dog-eared in important places. The lecture was just a repeat of her leisure time spent with the dear friend.

She tried to pay attention, just for respect, but she mainly spent her time doodling intricate designs in the corner of her paper. She would space out for minutes at a time, but then mentally slap herself awake. As the class droned on, her posture had collapsed into a slouch and her head became heavy on her hand. The design she was doodling became a museum-worthy piece of abstract art. She only heard fragments of the class, and the class wasn't boring. Had she not touched Julius Caesar, it would've been interesting and thought provoking. But she did touch the play before this and only did a few sentences get processed in the fuzziness of her brain.

Though the girl's attention was fixed on anything but the lesson, Miss Chapman's floated over to her. She knew that her lesson wasn't boring. She knew she had this first impression thing in the bag. She was young, in tune with what a young, pubescent crowd was interested in. Her students were asking questions and laughing at facetious comments she was making about the great work. All except for the girl in the back of the class. And it made her itch that she had captured everyone's interest but one.

"It's just laziness. Teenage apathy. Let her fail your class," she thought. Somehow, saying that to herself made her feel better. Not like she cared at all. All she cared about was the $10 per hour she was getting for every Shakespeare joke and profound thought.

The bell rang and the students arose slowly. Each one thanked her for class along with a "Welcome to Litchfield High". She responded with a "thank you" or a "have a nice day." The girl was walking down the aisle of desks before she stopped her.

"I need to talk to you. You stay." The girl shrugged her shoulders and waited for the rest of the students to pour out. Miss Chapman's eyes never left the girl, who never realized how tall the blonde was until now. She looked over the brunette with ease, but her height didn't intimidate the smaller girl in the slightest. She kept her posture. She maintained her composure and met her teacher's icy stare.

"Emily, right?" The blonde's voice was strict and her eyes were harsh.

"It's Amelia," the girl fired back. The teacher felt a blush shade her cheeks, but she cleared her throat to maintain her authority. "Look, I know that being a teenager is hard and you're trying to find yourself. You may be trying to make a statement here with all your-," Miss Chapman's harsh eyes roved over Amelia, stopping at her tattoos and embellished ears. Amelia raised her eyebrows and scoffed sharply. "Which is great. But I will not accept your attitude. Maybe not trying is cool but not getting into college isn't. So I suggest you step it up at least in this class." The teacher was certain the girl would be shaking in her boots. She was surprised and a bit frustrated that she wasn't. Amelia was smiling and shaking her brown head. She let out a short laugh, further bewildering the teacher.

"Wow. You've been here not a few hours and you're already jumping to conclusions." Another scoff escaped her lips. She continued. "Here's a thought, don't judge a book by its cover. You of all teachers should know that. Right, AP English?" Miss Chapman was silent. As if she expected something more of the small, yet feisty brunette. But the girl turned on her heels and headed straight for the door. After a few steps, she paused in her tracks and turned around to face the teacher again. "Oh and also, you were wrong."

"Pardon?" Now Miss Chapman was really confused.

"Logic isn't the primary component in Brutus's speech. His uses of antithesis and chiasmus in context propel him towards the appeal to Ethos."

She was right. God damn it, she was right. And it took everything in the teacher's power not to move a muscle in her unhinging jaw.

"Welcome to Litchfield High, Miss Chapman."

And in a few steps, she was out the door.

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 _Author's Note: There's chapter one for ya! I hope you guys like it so far and I appreciate you reading. Love you ~S_


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Hello lovelies! I apologize in advance with how damn LAZY my writing in this chapter has been and I also apologize how slowly the story's moving but I swear on my life the future chapters will get better. I've just gotten so overwhelmed with school and other personal things and setbacks that I just didn't have time to revise as much as I wanted to. BUT I did throw together a chapter of sorts for you guys to read so I hope you can plow through this. Again, This is my very first thing that I'm really writing. It's nothing super great and dazzly but it's something I'm putting out there so just bear with me. I always appreciate reviews and likes and follows (who doesn't?) and I really appreciate the positive vibes I've been getting so far. So without further ado, Chapter 2. Love you, ~S_

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Chapter 2

Miss Chapman felt sick. She felt sick with embarrassment that her entire class was proven wrong in a single sentence. She felt sick with guilt for judging a student too fast. And she felt sick with anxiety knowing anyone could catch her in confidential files.

And it was still only her first day.

The black text stared back at her from the file she held in her hands.

 _Amelia Vause. GPA: 4.25._

It was kind of like a slap in the face, and the kind that she would just accept. Sure, she was being hard on herself. Amelia, or whoever the hell she was, probably didn't give two shits about the ordeal. She probably left it behind the door of room 177A before she strode out of the classroom. But Miss Chapman _did_ give a shit. And she hated herself for caring so much.

She gingerly slipped the file in its spot, guiding the metal drawer back in place and snuck out the door. Spending her first lunch break meddling in student files wasn't the most tasteful way to pass the time. She could admit that. But what she couldn't figure out was why even she looked at it in the first place. Why did she _have_ to care? Why did she feel the need to sneak into a _fucking teenager's confidential files_ to begin with? She pondered these things as she walked down the near vacant halls of the school. Her sensible heels echoed down the corridors as she passed the foreign classrooms she still had yet to see. She smiled at colleagues who she had yet to become acquainted with as they ambled past, not returning the gesture. She was nearing the end of the hallway until she heard laughter and chatter coming from the room a few doors down. She apprehensively advanced towards the noise and peered in the window from afar.

Of course.

Of _fucking_ course.

It was Amelia Vause. She was with another boy and girl who she didn't recognize. They were all busy on something. They were all equipped with paintbrushes and focused on something she couldn't see on the table. Even though she cursed herself for it, Miss Chapman was genuinely curious. About _who_ Amelia was. What her deal was. Why she had tattoos at such a young age. And before she knew it, she was placing one foot in front of the other until she was in the art room. Face to face with the student she had already once confronted. The other boy and girl looked up from their work, but Amelia didn't bother to break her focus.

"Hi, um." Miss Chapman began. "Can I talk to Amelia really fast?" The brunette stopped painting at the mentioning of her name, keeping her gaze fixed on what she was doing. The red-haired girl beside Amelia grinned at her.

"What did she do now?" She jabbed Amelia's sides, causing the three to laugh and Miss Chapman to smile.

"We'll finish this next week. Do you mind taking it with you for the weekend?" The boy started to untie his apron and dropped his brush in a paint-stained cup of murky water.

"And don't forget, Miss Diaz will kill us if we don't get those anatomy pieces in by Tuesday," the redhead added along with a slicing motion across her throat.

"Yeah, of course. Thanks for everything, guys." The door shut behind the two as they left. A bitter silence sank in the room. Amelia never looked up from her work. She continued to paint in long strokes with her brush and laser focus that could burn through the table. Miss Chapman looked over at the piece and studied it. It was a painting of Native American war horses in vivid colors that soared off the canvas. It was like she could practically hear the falcons shrieking and the traditional flutes playing in the background of the work. The teacher was taken aback by what the young artists had created and tried her best not to show it.

"That's really beautiful." Miss Chapman broke the silence. And her promise of not giving her approval.

"Thanks," Amelia replied dryly. She finished her stroke and dipped her brush again in the red paint. The cool silence began to settle over them again. Miss Chapman was scouring her mind for the right words to say as the dwindling temperature dropped between them.

"Look, I just came to apologize. For earlier. I shouldn't have made assumptions. About you, I mean." Amelia stopped mid-stroke to look up at her through her dark lashes. "You're a smart kid and I think we should try again." Amelia looked long and hard at her teacher, who pressed her lips together in a smile of sorts. She looked ashamed almost. _Almost_. Her guilty expression showed through the cracks of her makeshift mask of "teacherly pride". However the girl's face was tense and unmoving, but it loosened into a subtle smile after a few short moments. She saw right through that shitty facade.

"I appreciate that, thank you." Miss Chapman returned the smile.

"Can I sit?" Amelia motioned her approval. "So you do art?" She sat down on the wooden stool across from her. It screeched as she pulled herself closer to the table.

"Yeah," She pulled out a beaten leather sketchbook from her bag and handed it to her. "My mom used to let me trace over her tattoos when I was little and when I finally outgrew that, she put me in art."

"And your dad?" She took the brown book in her hands and began to turn a page.

"He's dead to me. But my other mom left when I was 11, so it's just us." Miss Chapman stopped to look at Amelia, wondering if she heard her correctly. She was careful to word the next question in a decent way. She had just made amends with this student; the last thing she wanted was for her efforts to be in vain.

"So your mom's-"

"A dyke?" Amelia cut her sentence short.

 _Shit._

Her expression returned to being as hard as it had been before in a second. The blonde held her breath, scared that she ruined the chances of earning this student's trust. After a few deadly seconds of sheer silence, a smile creeped back on her cheeks and she let out a chuckle.

"Nah, it's cool. It's nothing that I'm ashamed of."

" _Fuck_ , that was close," Miss Chapman thought as she released an internal sigh.

"Well, you're really mature to think that way." She voiced aloud. She continued to turn through the sketch book and her eyes grew wider with each page. "And _talented_ too. These are gorgeous." The small, yet beautiful paintings of architecture, detailed sketches of insects and plants, and other abstract portraits were nothing to Amelia. They were just practice. But to her teacher, they were some of the most incredible things she had seen a young artist create.

"Thank you, really." Amelia was handed back her sketchbook and she promptly slid it back in her bag. They continued to make small talk over the course of the lunch break. They conversed about literature, art, and other cultivated topics. Amelia went ahead and mapped out the social standings of Litchfield. Who to avoid, who to talk to, what days to eat lunch. Like a favor from one new ally to another. It was like a flashback to high school, except Miss Chapman was friends with the girl her mother warned her about.

"You know, I've never been proven wrong by anyone before. Let alone a student. And I'm almost glad I was." Amelia furrowed her puzzled brow at the comment.

"Really? May I ask why?" The blonde woman smiled at Amelia's question.

"Because if you didn't, I would've never come here and learned a little about you. You're different. I like you, Vause."

"Thanks, Chapman." The blonde rose from her stool and bid her young friend goodbye. Neither one thought that this unlikely friendship would ever happen. But it did, and neither of them were complaining.

Alex was damn good at her job. Genius. Though it was illegal and Amelia was well aware of it, the two addressed being a heroin importer as regularly as being a businessman. Like anyone in the field, she often regretted her choice in career. Especially since she had a kid on her hands. But then she remembered why it was so damn great. It made her feel in dominant and in control. It highlighted who and what she was- tactical, realistic, elusive. It was like a game for her. A game of power and danger. But she knew to play and she knew every angle of the board. This to her was child's play.

She had finished booking six different flights across the globe for mules and successfully transported over $50,000 from Manhattan to Prauge. She released an easy sigh and doused herself with internal praise for the work she did. Now all she could do was kick back and let the easy money roll in. She imagined the numbers on her paycheck going higher and higher, like the numbers on a slot machine. She smiled to herself as the satisfying images danced about in her mind.

But her luxuriant thoughts were interrupted by Amelia bursting through the door, singing an off-key version of Happy Birthday. Alex turned to the crooning and laughed. She shut her eyes and let out a genuine, pleasant stream of surprised laughter. She rose from her spot on the couch to meet her daughter, who was leaning a large canvas against the glass table and still singing proudly. As she finished her celebratory tune, Alex applauded for the girl.

"Don't think I forgot your birthday so easy."

"Thanks, kid," Alex smiled and lightly pushed Amelia's shoulder.

"I have a present." Amelia wiggled a neatly wrapped gift out from inside her backpack.

"No," Alex's face was still alight as she attempted to stop her. But the girl was already clutching the gift tight in her hands.

"So, I didn't know what to get you. At first, I thought about getting you something shitty. Like a shirt or something. But then I thought I should give you something personal." Amelia was looking down at the present the whole time she spoke. But she finally gazed up at her mother, who was already blinking back the sting of oncoming tears. "So uh, happy birthday, Mom." She handed her the the gift along with a flattened smile. The woman peeled open the gift and she felt her heart swell when she realized what it was. It was a watercolor pencil drawing of herself.

"I know it doesn't seem like a whole lot after all you do for me and all the stuff you went through for me, but I hope you like it." Amelia looked down at the floor beneath her feet. Alex remembered the moment which the drawing depicted. It was one of those candid moments she wouldn't forget.

 _Their favorite hour of the morning was 4. They'd never be tired then, they'd be up so often. The city around them was quiet and dark and the only people that mattered were them. Only the overhead lamp and the distant buildings the served as a source of light. Which was perfectly fine with the both of them._

 _Alex wore a dark v neck and a loose pair of sweats. Her fingers were intertwined around a cup of tea and she was was gazing longingly outside the window. Amelia's clothing was relaxed as well. She sat across from her, tinkering with the settings on a camera she had gotten from an obscure website. The crisp buttons clicked and snapped beneath her small fingertips._

 _"Mom look here."_

 _"You better not take a picture of me." Alex still looked directly in the eye of the camera._

 _"Why not? You look fine." Amelia adjusted the lens to focus in on her._

 _"Bullshit," Alex took a long drink of tea._

 _"What? It's just to test it. And at least I'm telling you that I'm taking it instead of taking a surprise shot." A mischievous smile reached the corners of her face. "Like this," She snapped a picture with a quick tap of her finger. Alex furrowed her brow and tried to hide a smile._

 _"Did you seriously?" Amelia giggled and continued to snap pictures of the unprepared mother. Alex was now fully grinning and protesting. She attempted to shield her face with her hands, but her laughter weakened the quality of her guard._

 _"Okay, I think I got it. Thanks," Amelia lowered the camera and winked teasingly at her._

 _"Glad I could help," Alex scoffed before chuckling to herself._

It was the one where she had her eyes shut and she was laughing, free of any arms to shield her. Amelia had captured it all. The dialogue that happened moments before, every feature of her bare face and the intricate details of her beloved tattoos. All of it sang out on the page. Alex felt the hot tears bloom from the corners of her eyes as she recounted that stupid memory. That goddamn, sentimental, memory that always made her emotional. She first gazed at the precious gift in her hands. Then looked at the child she had fought so hard for and allowed a few tears to escape her eye. She folded her quivering lips inward before a sob could leave her lips.

"Jesus, I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional about having a kid. _Fuck_ you, for making me cry," Alex laughed in the midst of her emotional state. Amelia's smile illuminated her face and her brown eyes sparkled. Her mother brought the precious girl into a warm embrace and rested her chin atop the girl's head. Alex relished in the moment as she pulled her closer still.

"Now the final part of the present is that you go have fun!" Said Amelia as she pulled away.

"What?" Alex wiped her eyes before sliding her glasses back her nose.

"Yeah. Some of your friends or colleagues or whatever the hell you wanna call them invited you out for drinks. They all sound the same to me. Go out, get a little drunk, go find someone, it's your day." She poked Alex's shoulder. She scanned Amelia's face, which held a smile that awaited her answer.

"You know the drill,"

"Don't fuck anything up," Amelia quoted her mother's rule and Alex sent her off and she scurried to the room to work on her painting. She watched her daughter go until the large sliding door shut behind her. She smiled quietly to herself as she looked at her gift once more. She set it gently on the coffee table and went to prepare herself for the night ahead.

Alex cleaned herself up. She took a long shower, letting the hot beads massage her back and seep through her jet black locks. She lathered herself with lotion, making her pallid skin soft to the touch. She dressed in the outfit that most accentuated her voluptuous figure. Tight leather pants and a white blouse with a deep cutting V. Her long hair cascaded down her head and curled gently past her chest. She colored her lips a dark red and gave herself a spritz of perfume that left seduction on her scent. She wasn't planning on going home alone. She almost never left a bar empty handed to begin with. But tonight was important. After all, what was a birthday without some special birthday treatment?

Alex walked out of her bedroom, finding the house seemingly empty. The sun had long gone to sleep and the only restless city outside lit the apartment. She slowly headed towards the studio and knocked softly on the white door. She stepped in the room when she was granted a polite "come in." The girl was finishing homework on the plush, white covers of her bed, already in sweat pants that swallowed the lower half of her body.

"Hey, kid. I'm heading out," Her outfit earned the resounding approval from her daughter. "But I wanted you to do the honors. Amelia motioned for her mother to come closer and stood up on her bed to see a little over tall woman's head. Alex handed her the black eyeliner and Amelia took it in her hands. She gracefully maneuvered the pen over her subject's eyes, effortlessly creating identical dark wings on both lids. It was a little "tradition" between the two. Alex knew how to do her eyeliner. She was an adult for God's sake. But something about Amelia doing it was almost comforting. Like a pre one night stand pep talk. It was one of those things she knew she could go without, but one of those things she couldn't at the same time.

Amelia took a small step back and studied her model. After giving a subtle nod of approval, she placed her hands on Alex's shoulders and looked at her with a solemn expression.

"Go get 'em, tiger," they exchanged a smile and Amelia sent her mother off. "What a badass," she thought to herself as the sound of stilettos grew quieter and quieter.

* * *

 _Author's Note: There you go! The next chapter will have LOTS of Vauseman action and I can't wait to write up that chapter for you guys. Sorry it's starting out kinda slow and un-vauseman-y, but it's kind of a set up for the whole rest of the story. Ya know? So hopefully you got through this chapter and you can stay tuned for the next! Stay tuned. Love you, ~S_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: You're all still interested? Wow, I'm impressed. And also beyond grateful. Thank you for sticking with this. I promised Vauseman. So here it is. I'll let the chapter do the rest of the talking. Love you, ~S_

* * *

Chapter 3

Piper had no clue what the hell she was doing at a bar this late at night. She wasn't looking to go home with anyone. It hadn't been a particularly shitty day. But she had been aching for the sweet burn of liquor and she wasn't even an alcoholic.

It was her fourth day in the city, only her first day putting her English degree from Smith to use, and somehow she was already crawling to a sleazy bar for a drink.

Eh, whatever, right?

She blew away a strand of blonde hair from her face to thank the burly bartender for his service. She surveyed the poorly lit room over her thin shoulder to see who shared it with her. Her eyes swept over a middle-aged man with a brown mustache. His top three buttons were loose and eyes were fixed on the wood floor. A college-aged boy with his confident hand on a young woman's exposed thigh, and a small party of about four people her age. She met eyes momentarily with one of them, a tall, dark-haired woman with a lush figure. Piper felt her body heat up when her sultry lip pulled up in a smirk.

 _Fuck._

She turned back around to her drink, still feeling the alluring eyes behind her pierce through her back. She swirled the cool liquid in her glass and watched as it formed a small whirlpool inside before taking a sip. She let it slide down her throat and felt it untangle the knots and tension points from the tiresome day. The woman behind her continued to steal glances at her. Sometimes Piper would catch her flashing a gleaming smile at a friend; one that seemed to hold all the mystery in the world. She was attractive. Piper could admit that much. In fact, _more_ than attractive. Maybe hot. Maybe sexy.

 _Definitely_ hot. _Definitely_ sexy.

Piper mentally scolded herself, as she had promised not to focus on sex. Not tonight. There were several other opportunities for it. She scolded herself again for even imagining it with another woman. Not again. It was a promise she made to herself after college after she went in too deep. It began with meaningless kisses and sweet nothings but ended in jagged edges and broken glass. After those days were over and the tumultuous relationship was over and done, she vowed that her experimental days were over. She shook herself of the thought and returned to her drink.

The curiosity of it all never really left her, though. It found a home in the back of her mind where it would only come out when something was particularly intriguing. Something like this. She felt desire form a knot low in her belly and she tried to wash it down with more alcohol. She couldn't deny that she would at least _prefer_ to not return back home as of a few minutes ago. And she wouldn't mind going home with the pair of eyes that still sliced through the back of her dress. As her glass became more and more shallow, she felt temptation heavy on her shoulders. It slithered around her neck and its voice was smooth in her ear.

"Just a peek," it would hiss. "She won't bite."

And she gave in. She turned back around to meet her. Several more times, promising after each one that it was her last. Sometimes she would hold her gaze, other times the woman would be laughing at a joke Piper couldn't hear. She let out a deep sigh and got down from the leather seat. She made her way to the bathroom, where she was to fix her hair, apply perfume, and go the fuck home before she gave into any other temptations before the night was out. She had slipped into the sleek black number for herself. She had styled her blonde hair in voluminous waves for herself. She came to the bar to get a goddamn drink for herself. And guess what?

She was going to keep that promise for herself.

Piper stepped in the bathroom and met her reflection in the dirty mirror. She did look great. Her cheeks were flawlessly contoured and her blue eyes were bright under the smokey shadow. She began to tease her hair with her fingers, letting the strands slip between them and fall again at her shoulders. As she continued the motion, the door swung open and slammed shut. The dark haired woman strode in, leaning her body against the neighboring sink. Piper turned to find her looking straight at her. The blonde felt her heart stop for a quick second and she tried to cut the dilation of her pupils. The other woman, however, was quite the opposite. Her green eyes were unmoving and sharp. They held perplexity and charm. Her posture was confident, even if she was leaning against something. She was self-aware and knew what power she had over the blonde. Though both women were tall and met at the eye, she seemed to tower over her. She terrified Piper in the best way possible.

And that was fine with the both of them.

"You in here to escape Pornstache?" Her voice was raspy and sultry, to match her physical appearance. It took Piper a moment to realize that the question was addressed to her.

"I'm sorry?" Piper managed to croak out.

"Pornstache. The sad fucker a couple seats over from you. He was stealing a few looks at you. He's a perv and a regular," the dark haired woman smiled at her.

"Oh, I didn't realize," The blonde felt her cheeks turn a light shade of pink. She cursed them for betraying her so. Piper smiled coyly, causing the taller woman to let a hoarse laugh escape her. The blonde felt the same low knot from moments ago begin to tighten.

"I'm Alex," she held out a hand.

"Piper," the other shook it. She could've _sworn_ she saw Alex's thin eyebrow shift slightly at the sound of her name. Piper inwardly smiled and straightened her posture.

"So, Alex, what do you do?" Alex took a small step closer to her. She was genuinely surprised that Piper didn't move back.

"I work for an international drug cartel." She waited for the blonde to sprint out of the grimy bathroom and into a taxi. But that moment never came; she liked that.

"Sounds exciting. You must be pretty well traveled," Piper responded with confidence.

"Well, of course. I also make a pretty mean Manhattan. Better than the one you got here," Alex took another step closer.

"Oh really? I'd love to try it sometime," Piper took a step back, taking her pursuer with her. Alex cocked her brow in amusement.

"You must be pretty brave to want a drink with someone like me. I'm surprised you didn't make a break for it," Alex stepped towards her again. Piper's back was flat against the nearest bathroom stall.

"I consider myself more risky than brave," Her voice became as low as the woman in front of her's. She bit her lip and the green eyes in front of her darkened with delight. Her mesmerizing yet amused smile shifted into one that suggested every possible X-rated event could take place. Piper felt her heart beating a mile a minute, her hands grow cold to the touch, and the knot in her low abdomen grow bigger and bigger. She was given no time before Alex roughly closed the distance between the two; like a snake making a fatal strike. From the beginning of their conversation, they were already playing cat and mouse. Piper knew it when she first locked eyes with Alex back inside the bar. The woman had Piper under a spell and she had already slipped far under.

The kiss was smoldering hot, burning holes wherever Alex's dark lips would touch. Her mouth, her neck, Piper reveled in every minute of it. Her back was pressing mercilessly against the wall behind her and hands were busied in raven hair. She tasted like vodka, mint, and raw ecstasy and the blonde felt the sweet poison course through her veins. A low moan rumbled in the back of her throat as Alex bit her lip and pulled away. Piper's mouth involuntarily chased her's. They were still connected at the forehead and Piper's hands were still lost in her hair. Somehow, Alex's lipstick was still as perfect as it had been; there wasn't a smear in sight. Though their bodies still touched, she felt cold without red lips to warm her. She swooped in to close the space again but was denied along with a tantalizing smile.

"Not before I make you a drink," Her laugh vibrated against Piper's ear.

"I can settle for that."

"Mm. Trust me, you'll do a little more than just settle." Alex's husky voice was filled with lust and a whole lotta dirty promise. It sent a chill ripping down the blonde's spine.

* * *

Alex never made Piper her promised drink, though the taste of her was intoxicating enough for the blonde. Every filthy wish was fulfilled on both ends until both were covered in a thin layer of sweat. The productive night did come to a close and the sun extended its bright arms to wake Piper first. She cracked her eyes open to find herself under warm sheets. Tightness resided around her head as a hangover bid her a dull "Good morning." She found a tired arm slung across her chest, reminding her of the what happened just hours ago. She stretched her body, feeling pleasantly sore around her inner thighs and took her time to sit up on the strange bed. The woman next to her let out a soft groan before slowly opening her green eyes. Alex looked first looked at the empty spot where Piper had been and surveyed the rest of the room before finding her upright on her bed.

"Oh, shit, I thought you left," Alex laughed as she cracked her neck. The blonde shook her head and blinked slowly. Alex gazed at Piper for a while, who was stretching her back and still waking herself up. Maybe it was from the leftover alcohol the night before or maybe it was the weary glaze over her already terrible eyes, but

 _damn._

For ten-something in the morning, Piper looked hot as _fuck_. She didn't bother putting her lacy bra back on after they had sex, or anything at _all_ for that matter. (Alex was _perfectly_ okay with that.) Her bed-strangled hair was messy and it caught the sun's white rays as she aimlessly scratched her head. But as hot as clueless, topless Piper looked, she also looked like a fucking _goddess_. She looked stunning. Otherworldly. She was practically iridescent. Like some ethereal being from the gods of morning. Her eyes were like precious jewels that were pulled from the clouds themselves. And that smile.

That _goddamn_ smile.

It killed her. It convinced her fully that she wasn't mortal. It could stop wars or cure cancer or god forbid make Alex Vause swoon and grow weak at the knees. But then she remembered this wasn't love and Piper was human and _not her girlfriend,_ so she arose from her sitting position and trudged towards the wooden dresser. She pulled out a baggy shirt and tossed it over to the blonde. Piper pulled it over her head and slid her arms though the loose sleeves as she thanked her through the thin fabric. They made their way to into the living area, where they gathered the blonde's things and shared light conversation. The morning was cool and the windows had gentle etchings of frost, even thought it was only fall. The city beneath them was just starting to come back to life and the horns made no hesitation to blare loudly in the street. Piper looked outside, watching people begin to pour out like ants out of the buildings. Some went into taxis, others to crosswalks.

"Ah, fuck. I'm gonna have to do the walk of shame back to the apartment," Piper muttered jokingly to herself. Alex smiled, but her expression became shaded with slight concern.

"I can get a cab for you," she offered as she handed her a heeled shoe.

"No, I'll be okay. It's not the end of the world."

"Come on," Alex pulled out her phone despite her decline.

"No really it's-"

"Piper," Alex looked at her kindly. "Let me do this for you." She began dialing a number. It was almost odd to Piper how un-intimidating she looked then. She still looked like she could completely tear the blonde apart in the most provocative ways imaginable, but there was almost a different mist that encircled her now. A haze that made Piper want to cup her thin face in her hands and kiss her forehead and not her neck. She looked _beautiful_. That's what it was. From the way the sun was shining generously against her face, she didn't have "hot lesbian badass" written across her chest. She had the graceful morning illuminating her cheeks and making her gem-like eyes glimmer under her glasses.

Glasses. She didn't know Alex wore glasses.

 _Jesus._

They made her look sophisticated. Even this early in the morning. They sat proudly on the bridge of her nose and seemed to complete her. They added to her wit and charm. Now, Piper couldn't imagine her without them, even though that was the way she first met her.

"Thank you," Piper smiled as Alex brought the device up to her ear. She softly nodded her head in response.

Piper stepped into her dress and did the best she could to clean the smudged make up from her eyes. She twisted her hair between her fingers to rev the day old waves back to life.

"You should probably head down before someone steals your ride," Alex hung up with the person on the other line.

"You're probably right," She put on her short beige trench coat and tightened it around her waist. Alex escorted her to the door and opened it.

"This won't be the last time we see each other." Piper stepped out and gave her a knowing look.

"I hope not." Piper handed Alex her phone and she tapped in her information.

"No last name?" Piper gave a bewildered smirk as she put it back in her purse.

"Adds a little mystery," Alex winked suggestively. She shut the door behind her guest and surrendered to the cushions on the white leather sectional, releasing a heavy sigh.

"Last night went well, I presume?" Amelia popped her brown head out from the hallway, a cheeky smile spread across her face. Alex playfully rolled her eyes and sat up to see her daughter. She was still clothed in her roomy sweatpants that only revealed her toes. Her hair was still sat in the lazy bun from the day before. She waltzed into the living room and gave her mother's shoulders a gentle squeeze.

"Extremely. Make me some coffee please. I didn't even drink that much and I'm not even remotely a lightweight but I'm hungover as fuck." The woman said, massaging her throbbing temples. She would've never admitted the last part to anyone but her. Amelia cantered into the kitchen and started on the morning ritual.

"Wanna tell me how it went?"

"Let's just say I blew her mind, I got her number, and we'll definitely be in touch." Alex shifted herself on the couch to see over the granite counter. She flashed a self-righteous smile when Amelia whipped around to give her a wide-eyed expression.

"Daamnn, Vause! You still got it!" Amelia raised her dark brows at her mother. She smirked and pushed her glasses further up her nose; they seemed to respond with a puffed up "She knows."

"How long has it been since you got some?" The girl spoke over the clinking of mugs in the cupboard.

"Like a month." Alex was disappointed at this. She didn't know how a month had so easily slipped from her black painted fingertips. It wasn't like she was still heartbroken from Sylvia cheating on her with a _man._ As far as she was concerned, that dreadful night and the even more dreadful year that followed lived only as untouched memories. Her primary focuses became work, her kid, and the invisible line of women that trailed outside the complex. Because what was in the past was in the past.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Right?

Amelia's footsteps made gentle beats against the white tile as she plodded to the couch.

"I know it's only been a month, but I am still so happy that you're getting back out there-" Alex cut the girl short when she saw a white paper lantern in her other dainty hand.

"Did you get take out?" Amelia answered with bringing over the cup of coffee and handing over the microwave-warmed box.

"I thought you'd be needing the MSG." A thoughtful smile flickered across her face as she sat on the leather ottoman across from her mother.

"Whoever raised you did one hell of a job." Alex pushed the girl's cheek before snapping apart her chopsticks.

* * *

Sitting down to write a lesson plan didn't prove productive after Piper returned home. She sat down at the wooden table that still needed homey accents and tried her very hardest to work. But her mind would flutter off to the events of the fervid night before. The desire that burned hot in her chest. The haste that was made to unhook the clasps of her dress. The way her lips would ache when contact was broken. The low purring voice above her that would drive her senses mad. Work was just a haze as long as the memory was set on a loop.

 _Fuck._

Over several spread out moments of sheer focus, she did throw a lesson plan of sorts together, though it primarily consisted of group work and several breaks throughout. The table bellowed as her phone vibrated on it. She smiled at the glowing caller ID.

"Hey, Polly," Piper heard her best friend's pearly smile through the other line.

"Hey babe! How's the new town treating ya?"

"Good so far. I got totally shit on by a student when I was trying to confront her,"

"Pipes, you know you're god awful with stuff like that." Polly's laugh rang through and Piper rolled her eyes.

"But I met someone last night," The friend's laugh was cut short.

"Damn, really? How was it?" Piper closed her eyes and threw her head back. Her lips curled upward into a smile.

"Mmm too good for words. She got my number, we'll be at it again at least by next week." Polly's reactive noises halted abruptly.

" _She_?" The line went silent for a few stony moments. "Fuck, Piper." The blonde huffed out an exasperated sigh and ran a hand through her hair.

"What? I'm not gonna lie, last night was the best I've had in a while. I came _seven times_."

"Okay, one, that's just excessive. And two, Piper the last time you were with a girl was college and that didn't end well for you." The concern held in Polly's gentle voice was soothing through the speakers of the phone.

"Yeah but I was in college and plus she was a lying bitch. Of course it didn't work out. This ones just for fun. I promise." Silence circulated about the two again. Polly sighed.

"Well wanna tell me what she was like?" Piper smiled in relief of not being lectured.

"She was hot. Like _really_ fucking hot. She was tall, she had these sexy glasses, dark hair, tattoos," the blonde felt herself grow warm at the mere thought of the woman.

"So like one of those weird rebel freaks from when we were in high school." The rising temperatures in Piper's core quickly fizzled out. Polly's voice was flat and lackluster and Piper knew it would take some warming up.

" _No_. She was smart. Witty." Polly sighed deeply again. "Polly, I don't understand why you're so worried. I'm an adult, I'm sure I can take care of myself," the blonde tried to sound as reassuring as possible. Not much to her avail.

"I know babe. I just don't want you to get fucked over if you get in way over your head. You know I'm just looking out for you," Polly chided. If she was with her friend, she'd have been stroking Piper's shoulder and her eyes would've gazed deeply into her friend's with pure sincerity.

"I know. I love you,"

"I love you too." The line dropped and Piper rushed back to reality. She tried not to hang on too long to her friend's heeding words, but deep down she knew she was right. Every damn time she would promise herself a shallow fling, but it would always morph into a something far from it. And every time she'd get left in the dust. Piper snatched herself away from the disheartening reminder and continued to work, the warmth still circulating at her core.

* * *

 _Author's note: TADA! I hope you guys liked that little snippet of Vauseman action. So I'm going to take a major turn on this. I've been fluctuating between the M rating and the T rating because the next few chapters are gonna be a bit dark. (This story was INTENTIONALLY supposed to be all dark and all angst, but I really wanted to flush out Amelia and Alex's relationship because I never realized how important it was to the story until I actually started writing it.) So be prepared and don't lose faith in me. Love you, ~S_


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's note: SURPRISE! I decided to leave the angst for next week and I wrote up some extras for this week. I'm not planning to expand in this direction, this is just the calm before the storm. So hopefully you enjoy this little peek into Piper's world for a little bit and I hope you're prepared for the heavy kinda feel the next chapters hold! Love you, ~S_

* * *

Chapter 4

They were already on first name basis and it was only a month after they met. Piper and Amelia would take strolls around Central Park and watch as the lush trees change from eloquent jades into rich shades of gold and red. Or the blonde would ask the girl's opinion on various scents of homemade soap and she would ask for the teacher's feedback on artwork in exchange. They'd dive into discussions about Ernest Hemingway or try to decode the iron gaze that the angry Russian lunch lady would shoot at Piper.

"I think she's apart of the mafia if you're asking my opinion." Amelia would say before taking a long sip of her coffee. (New England Roast, 2%, two sugars.) Piper would laugh in avid agreement before doing the same. (American Roast, skim milk, one sugar.)

Amelia had to fold her lips under to suppress a laugh when Piper couldn't find the right key to her apartment. She was there to help her unpack the rest of the cardboard boxes that still flooded the place from when she first moved in. After trying the fifth key, (how many keys could she possibly need?), they stepped inside and Amelia took in the scent of cardboard and fresh smelling soap that lingered in the air. The place was homey. One bedroom, hardwood floors, wide windows that let the late autumn sun filter in, and an open kitchen that didn't look so open with all the boxes that were still on top of the granite counter.

"You've been here a month and you haven't unpacked everything yet?" Amelia said as she set a large box full of linens down on the floor. Piper sighed as she heaved a different one off the counter and set it beside Amelia's.

"I know I know, I haven't had the time." They dragged the overflowing boxes out into the barren living area where a lonely tan couch sat in front of a faux fireplace. Their first order of business was to get the drab gray curtains the hell out of there and exchange them for Piper's white translucent ones.

Even changing the curtains made the place seem a little more Piper-y.

Amelia sat cross-legged on the floor as she handed picture frames and other miscellaneous homey accents up to a standing Piper, who arranged them to her liking. They had already emptied out and categorized the boxes of her old English books, ranging from Homer to Virginia Woolfe, to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. And now she was dusting off the wistful memories she brought back from home. It seemed so far away to Piper. It was as if everything that was once familiar to her would eventually make a home in oblivion, even if they already existed in metal frames on top of her pathetic excuse for a fireplace.

"Is it weird that my only real friend in this city is a 17-year-old?"

"Only if you make it that way. And no offense, but even the start of our friendship or whatever was a little rocky. No wonder you haven't met anyone else. You gotta work on that." Piper shot Amelia a " _hey_ " look from above. She shrugged her honest shoulders in response.

But the blonde already knew she was _so bad_ at first impressions.

Amelia reached down and fished out another picture to hand up to Piper. She had already memorized the faces of her family, childhood pets, and all the other people that resided in the photographs, but this one she hadn't seen. She wiped the off neglect of the unpolished glass with her sleeve and studied it. Piper looked youthful. Not like she didn't already, but her face gave off an almost curious adolescent shine. One that didn't have the finessed undertones of grace and maturity. Her blonde locks waterfalled past her shoulders and stopped just below her chest. She had her sweatered arms wrapped around another woman about her height. Her hair was short, gelled to the side and clean cut. Her face was defined with almost perfect angles sculpting her cheeks. Though she had tattoos patterned up and down her arms, she had every inch of femininity about her and her lips were pressed against Piper's smiling cheek.

"Who's this?" Piper's expression faltered and her smile became frail.

"Oh, it's.. No one." She tried to pull the picture from the girls hands, but she tightened her grip around the iron structure.

"Don't give me that bullshit."

"Language." Amelia scoffed and gave her an " _are you fucking kidding me I am your only friend_ " sort of look. Piper smiled for a moment, but Amelia felt her emotions drop when she took the photo in her hands.

"Stella. She was my girlfriend in college." Amelia's dark eyebrows raised out of reflex, but she gained enough control of her shock to lower them back down.

"She was from Australia. We met at a frat party. Junior year. She took me home, and the rest was history. We ran a business together. We thought we'd go live together and conquer the world. She was a dream. I thought it was love." Piper was running her thumb over the glass barrier between her and the memory. Piper blinked slowly as she mused over her lost love. Amelia was watching the blonde intently and she felt her own heart stop when Piper's thumb stopped moving.

"But then I found out she was stealing the money we had made for whatever she was doing outside of the relationship. I tried talking to her about it, but then she started getting angry and she turned into this monster I didn't know. She'd yell all the time and she'd never come home and whenever she did she was drunk off her ass." Piper laughed, but her diamond eyes betrayed her. "I was so scared. Of who she had become. Of who I _swore_ I loved. The trust was gone. The love was gone. Everything was gone. All I knew was that she wasn't the person I made her out to be. So I left. And she went back to wherever. And I haven't seen her since."

Piper's voice didn't break the entire time during the story. It maintained its even level and her words didn't splinter. But her face did. Her face divulged everything her voice was trying so hard to hide. The corner of her lip would pull downward every so often and her eyebrows would curl into each other, wrinkling her forehead and painting her face a dismal shade of blue. Amelia reached up and took the woman's hand in her own, stroking her thumb over the side of the blonde's. Piper shifted her downcast gaze to the girl who kept her hand and she bit the inside of her lip.

"You know if you ever need anything, come to me right? I know you're like thirty something and that's a pretty big stretch, but I'm here." Amelia's thumb was still murmuring against Piper's hand and her dimples deepened slightly when she pressed her lips together.

"Thanks," Piper squeezed their hands but didn't let go after. She kept them linked together as she felt tears spring behind her eyes. She curved her lips into a tired smile to suppress them. Amelia let go first.

"So are you still gay or," Piper felt her cheeks rush red. She broke her gaze and her eyes searched for a random spot on the wall to avoid the question. Amelia just laughed.

* * *

It only took the first catcall for Piper to feel uneasy. The second provoked a sinking sensation in her depths of her stomach and the third just made her downright upset. She was alone, walking down the near barren proximity of Grand Central Station. Her family had begged for her to come home. They begged and pleaded even though she had barely settled into her's. But she went anyway, taking a piece of Connecticut with her.

Grand Central in the dead of night seemed a lot more glamorous and picturesque on the silver screen. She imagined more lovers running into each other's arms, more twinkling lights, and _definitely_ more golden clocks. But all there was before her was a middle-aged janitor who mumbled inaudibly to himself, a band of homeless people, and the crew men that whistled at her earlier.

Fuck Hollywood.

She made it out into the brisk air that nipped her exposed neck and the tip of her nose. She shoved her hands deep into her fur-lined pockets and looked around with wide eyes. It was late. Her blonde hair and chic coat stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the gangs and other seedy-looking people about her. She began to walk again in doubtful steps, keeping her blonde head down and not daring to make eye contact with those who roamed the streets. She was gnawing on her bottom lip as she let her heavy feet take the lead. Several more people whistled and made vulgar commentary, which she did her very best to ignore. She focused on the moving sidewalk beneath her and the promise of a warm bed that beckoned to her a few blocks away.

She picked up her head and assessed her surroundings again. Her brow bent at the sight of the new setting. The familiar Jewish deli wasn't in the same place as it was before. The laundry mat wasn't on its corner.

"Wait, 42nd street to-"

She swallowed a dense lump that formed in her throat as the realization hit her.

 _Fuck._

She was lost. Of _course_ she was lost in New York at 11:30 some at night, alone, and of _course_ Piper Chapman knew that she was _dead_. She felt panic come over her like an opaque shroud and her palms grew sweaty within a matter of seconds. Her heartbeat was escalating at unhealthy rates and her breaths felt labored and fast all at once. The alleyways around her were pitch dark and she could barely see the lingering shadows that danced on the walls. She heard morphed voices echo all around her and she felt invisible pairs of eyes all over her body. She felt as if she was living her childhood nightmare of standing stark naked in front of her class. But somehow it was worse. She was fully clothed. The jeering voices of her third-grade peers were nowhere to be heard. She was alone. And Piper felt more stripped and afraid than her eight-year-old self could possibly fathom.

She thought of how the fuck she could've gotten in this mess. And after toiling with the question and reprimanding herself for being so foolish, she turned her panic towards a more important question.

"How the _fuck_ am I gonna get _out_ of this mess."

She rummaged through her purse (which she was surprised hadn't been stolen yet) for her phone. It was close to dead, but she fumbled with it for a while anyway. Eventually, she landed on a contact that had a chance of answering her.

"..."

The monotone line hummed in her ear and she tapped her heel against the cracked pavement. She filled her body with a breath that didn't do much calming as the tone repeated itself.

"..."

"Hello?" Piper let out a cold exhale as she thanked whatever angels were watching over her.

"Alex, I need you." Alex's sultry chuckle traveled through the line.

"Mmm, late night hotel room? I like your taste." Piper felt a hot blush creep across her cheeks.

"No, I- Well yeah- But-" Alex laughed again.

"I'm kidding with you, what do you need?"

"I got lost and I don't have any money on me and my phone's dying I have no clue where I am and it's late and I don't know where to go." Her voice was climbing as she rambled. More anxiety caught up in her throat and she felt her breaths quicken again.

"Okay, hey, hey, it's fine. I'm right here." Her voice was smooth over the phone. Piper let the calming words massage her. "You're alone?"

"Yeah. Everything's closed too." She swept her eyes over the area once more in case she missed any glimmers of hope. The place was just as sterile as it was before.

"Tell me the address. I'll be right there." Piper couldn't let her go out. It wasn't a good impression on anyone, let alone her _fuckbuddy._ She combed a hand through her blonde hair before she started to stop her.

"Alex, just tell me where to go and talk to me I can find my-"

"No, you're gonna get eaten alive out there. Just tell me." Only their breaths filled the empty suspense between them.

"Fine."

"Hey Piper,"

"Yeah?"

"I'll be right there, okay? I'm gonna get you out. It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be fine." Alex hung up and Piper stowed her now dead phone in her purse after telling her the address.

 _"It's going to be okay,"_ she thought. _"It's gonna be fine."_ She leaned her tense back against a wall as she tried to regulate her breathing.

 _In._

 _Out._

 _In._

 _Out._

She closed her eyes as she let her head fall back against the wall behind her. She invited serenity into her body, just enough to hold out until Alex came to save her ass. She listened to the faraway music of the streets and she filed her edge down.

"Hey, baby girl." Piper jolted awake as she met eyes with a man twice her size. He looked hungry as he licked his lips and took another step towards her. "What brings a pretty thing like yourself out here so late?" Her head began to reel and that thick cloud of panic began to surround her again.

"T-that's none of your business thank you," Piper stammered. The man laughed, sending a painful chill down her spine.

"Well, it is now," he snarled before snaking an arm around her waist. Piper tried to run and fight back with her entire life. But her feet became one with the cement and her arms were repelled against the air. She threatened to contact authorities, using the firmest tone her body could permit, but he proceeded to rove his calloused hands over the most sacred parts of her body and walk his fingers under the hem of her shirt.

"Babe! God, I was looking all over for you. You had me worried sick!"

 _Holy fucking god._

Alex was trotting in from around the corner and the hands over Piper's breasts retreated. Before the blonde could formulate a sentence or begin to think any rational thoughts, Alex's pillowy lips were plush against her own and she cupped a hand against Piper's pale cheek. She let herself melt into Alex as she let every flavor of safety envelop her. She felt all the juvenile butterflies flutter in her stomach and she felt her face bubble up in a blush. It seemed to last forever. She sure as hell _wanted_ it to. But Alex pulled away and twisted a strand of blonde hair between her fingers, smiling in warmth and relief.

Piper felt Alex's voice fall cold as she pulled the blonde in closer, intertwining their fingers at the same time.

"Who the fuck are you?" She barked at the man.

"I wasn't starting nothin'." He threw his filthy hands up in defense. A growl was simmering low in the brunette's throat and Piper made herself small under her guard.

"You better not have been. Get the fuck out of here." Her voice was assertive and her glare was more than intense. Piper saw him flinch, even if it was just a from Alex's laser green eyes.

"Fuckin' dykes." Alex gritted her jaw as he turned away. Piper realized that she was holding onto the brunette's hand a little too tightly as she let go and that she missed the feeling of her jacket grasped in the other.

"You good?"

"Yeah. I'm okay. Thanks." The blonde was still shaking from the trauma.

"No problem. Glad you're okay." Alex rubbed Piper's shoulder, who blinked slowly in return. Piper wasn't _exactly_ dapper. Her knees were still wobbly and her unfocused eyes still looked like a doe's caught on headlights. Her stomach was still making whirlpools and tidal waves inside and her heart was still caught in the back of her throat. Alex knew though. She knew the feeling all too well.

"I'll walk you home." She motioned Piper to follow her down the pavement, aimlessly braiding their fingers together again when they met.

* * *

 _Author's Note: Thanks for reading y'all. Be sure to review, follow, favorite, whatever. Love you, ~S_


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's note: Hey, loves. I know I updated super recently but I just wanted to get over this part now than later. At first I was nervous to post this, but fuck it. Here it is. It's kinda dark, it's kinda heavy. I was thinking about scratching the whole thing and rewriting the rest of the story to fit the lightness, but I'm sticking to my gut and putting out the story I intended to write. I'm not saying that the whole rest of the story is gonna be completely dark and hopeless, (don't worry, you guys can rest assured that the ending is happy) it's just these next two chapters. So plow through them. Try your best to enjoy them. And If you have any objection, thanks for the support anyway. Love you, ~S_

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Chapter 5

 _One month._

 _It had been one month since Alex had last been home._

 _Home to the warmth of her bed, home to the love of her life, home to her child._

 _She missed her birthday. Her daughter's fucking birthday. One way to make her feel like a shitty mother was to not call her family for a month while working in Cambodia. While the marmalade sun hung high above the crystal beaches and the sheets of the bed she slept in were lined in luxurious silk. Another method was to not give her child a big enough hug before she left for work. Or forget to remember the dimples that indented her cheeks or the length of the dancing shadows created by her dark lashes._

 _Another way was to never consider another job._

 _She knew this would happen. She'd have to pry herself from the reassuring comfort of American soil between her toes for months at a time. She knew that she wouldn't be able to hear the voices of the people she held so close to her just to ensure their safety, but she didn't know how much it would hurt. How physically sick it would make her. To roll over in bed and not see her lover sleeping beside her beneath the satin sheets. To walk into a foreign kitchen and not find her familiar morning warmth waiting for her freshly wakened lips to touch it. To see a brown haired girl and have it not be her own. That was the price of the job she had to pay. Deprivation. Prison was nothing compared to that._

 _But after a month of misery and withdrawal, she was finally on the plane home. She would be arriving in the wee hours of the morning and both of her loves would be fast asleep by then, but she would be home. And nothing , not even time's waning tempo could ruin that joy._

 _Meanwhile, another excitement was bustling in the street. No, not excitement. Anxiety. Franticness. It was already late. Two or three in the morning at least. But it was still too early for the girl who ran in the night to chase a speeding taxi. In her eleven years of breathing in the smoky city air, she knew not to be out during those hours. Trouble and danger lurked there, she knew. But_ _tonight_ _was an exception. To hell with danger. She snuck out the creaky window and down the clanking fire escape to get a cab. Just to see the green eyes that loved her so. She waited far past her birthday to see them. She waited past the deaths and births of stars asunder in galaxies light years away. She waited enough. And enough was too long a time for her._

 _Amelia caught up with the yellow white rabbit and hopped inside the leather walls. She let the address roll of her tongue and she slammed the heavy door shut. She drummed her fingernails against her thigh and watched as the night crawlers prowled in the concrete jungle. She breathed happily, resting assured that she wasn't among the lions now. She knew she was prey, even when she was racing down the dimly lit pavement. But she knew she would be prey to impatience and insomnia and that was far worse in her world._

 _The taxi came to a grinding halt and she graced the driver a generous tip. She scrambled out of the vehicle and into the warmth of the airport. She felt several curious eyes on her. From passengers, desk workers, and maintenance crew alike. She brushed off their condescending judgements and stopped in front of the towering monitor. She was still gasping for air from her perilous feat in the dark just moments ago. She used this time to catch her fleeting breath until she found her mother's flight. She scoured her un-jogged memory for an image of her mother's ticket. She remembered her layover was from a vague Eastern airport or airline to a more familiar JFK. Her eyes roved over the twinkling numbers and flight names until she met the one that mattered most._

 _Flight CX831, Phnom Penh;_ _3:52am_ _; Gate 46, ON TIME_

 _She felt a temperate wave of relief wash over her at the sight of "on time." She gulped down a final breath and dashed off down the dark labyrinth again ._

 _The flight was smooth, though the turbulent landing was in need of work. Even so, the sparse flight gave a tired applause for the service. Alex unfastened her seatbelt and hoisted herself up from the plushness of her first class seat. She retrieved her short, black suitcase from the overhead compartment with with no trouble. And as the vast majority of her flights went, she assisted a few others who didn't have her towering advantage. She stepped off the aircraft and already felt a piece of home rush back to it's dusty place inside her. Her pace quickened at the image of the apartment and the people that dwelt in it. From where she walked, she had to make a beeline to customs. then to baggage claim to recover her copious amounts of luggage, and then straight into a taxi home. She breezed through customs, answering their fervent questions with rapid fire. She then boarded the empty monorail, listening the the monotonous recording of safety protocol replay over and over until her ears rang. The doors hissed open and she stepped out into the open. The area was void of life. It was only her. The sound of her suitcase getting trapped in the tile crevices rumbled in the air. She reached a carpeted area where everything grew quiet again. She strolled down the way now, not feeling plagued rush or haste. She breathed easy now, finally taking in the air her lungs had missed._

 _"Mom!" A faint voice grazed against her ear. She scanned the deserted vicinity, finding nothing in her wake. She deemed the sweet voice a cruel hallucination and continued on her way._

 _"Mom!" It called again. This time Alex knew it was real. Her eyes were frantic as they searched the grand place until her eyes locked upon a distant runner. Her brown hair billowed behind her as she grew closer and closer. Alex recognized her immediately and scolded herself for not a few moments earlier. She dropped her bag and placed a clammy hand over her mouth. Burning tears overwhelmed the corners of her eyes as her feet propelled her towards the girl._

" _Amelia!" She felt her knees grow weak and she gave in to them. She desperately swallowed up her daughter in her arms, holding onto her for dear life. She buried her nose in Amelia's neck, inhaling the aromatic scent of home her senses longed for. She smelled like their lavender laundry detergent, hints of acrylic paint, and something else too sacred to c_ ompare to an object. _Childlike affection swarmed her nose and flavored the air encircling it. The unwavering bond between mother and child was the scent that made satisfied her starving lungs. Amelia wrapped her arms around her mother and clung tightly to her as well._

" _Amelia! Jesus! Kid, What the hell are you doing here? Fuck, it's so late," Alex's motherly instincts began to take over as she fixed Amelia's ebony hair and gazed into her dusky eyes. Tears were already flowing freely from the woman's eyes as she held her daughter's fragile face in her hands. "Are you okay?"_

 _"I snuck out. Sylvia went out with some friends." A laugh of relief escaped Alex's lips as more tears spilled down her cheeks._

 _"Oh my god, I missed you so much." She engulfed Amelia back in her arms as she planted several kisses upon her head and raked her jittery hands through her hair._

 _"I missed you too, Mom," the girl nuzzled in closer to her mother's body. They both gathered Alex's things, still never breaking touch. They would stand with their arms wrapped around each other, easily from swaying side to side. Alex would kiss Amelia's forehead, accompanied by reassuring words of love. Even if Alex had to walk far for something, they'd still be attached by their interlocked fingers. Alex missed that feeling. Amelia's hands were small and almost doll-like. But her palms fit into her own artistically. Like two perfect halves of a whole. Holding her daughter's hand was something she didn't do much, but every time she would take her seemingly tailor made hand in her own, it was like a reminder for the mother to do it more often._

 _They both returned home okay, still linked at the palms. They had successfully moved Alex's luggage into the apartment and they held each other still. Amelia felt her mother stiffen in her meager arms when she heard stifled groans from the bedroom. They both exchanged simultaneous looks of suspicion as their senses both heightened._

 _"Stay here," but Alex knew Amelia wouldn't heed her instruction. She felt her daughter close at her tail as she neared the door, apprehension in her footsteps. Her hands clasped the cold handle and the icy shock travelled all the way to her shoulder. She turned the handle slowly and swung the door open in a quick whoosh. Alex felt her stomach plummet to her feet. Sylvia was naked underneath a man, both caught up in hot sweat and pleasurable, blood curdling moans. In that moment, she could have let the scalding tears roll down her face and weep as she crumbled into ruin._

 _But Alex Vause would never do that._

 _Not for a girl who slept with a man over her._

 _She felt her fists clench, turning her knuckles a tension-charged white. Her blood began to boil with blistering anger and her composure became molten rock in her center. She stood there fuming and seething with rage until finally her severe eyes met wide hazel ones._

 _"Alex! Hey! I thought you didn't come home for another week." Sylvia wiped a sheen of sweat from her forehead._

 _Then Alex fucking lost it._

 _"What the_ _ **fuck**_ _is this?" Alex's voice was jarring and made the whole house tremble. Her teeth were almost barred like an angry animal. Sheer fright surged down everyone's bodies._

 _"Alex, I can explain," Sylvia's voice quivered with fear and guilt._

 _"I'm sure you can fucking explain," Alex hissed through her livid teeth._

 _"It was nothing-"_

 _"No!_ _ **Fuck**_ _you! And get the fuck out of my house!" Alex pointed a heated finger at the door as Amelia cowered behind it. She had been observing through the brass hinges in appalled silence. She'd seen Alex angry before, never at her, but never like this. The girl too was fearful now, even though her mother was only kind and loving to her. Alex never snapped at anyone like this. Amelia hoped she never would again._

 _"Babe-"_

 _"_ _ **NOW**_ _!" This time the house fell silent. Poison hung in the air as her command reverberated against the walls. Sylvia and the man hurried out of the house, wrapped in blankets and spare towels._

 _Alex stood there speechless. She gazed harshly at the bed before her and fastened her wrathful jaw. The sheets where the Sylvia had been were stained. Stained with vanity and deceit. The white fabric that lined the bed held so much in the fibers of finely woven material. They held the sacred memories of her and Amelia sleeping together on frigid nights. Memories of weeping over Diane's death. Memories of her and her love first blossoming into lust._

 _And now those memories were defiled. They were tainted with memories of now._

 _Alex stormed to the bed and violently stripped the corrupted fabric from the mattress, uttering fierce profanities under her fiery breath. Her inhales and exhales were sharp as she struggled to rip them entirely from under the bed. Her pulls grew strenuous and more tired as her grip on them began to loosen._

 _"Fuck!" Her cry was powerless. Like her voice was straining to push out the empty word. She cradled her heavy head in her hands as she massaged the achy corners of her eyes. Her tears of rage and hate turned into those of anguish and pain. They stung like acid wearing away at an open wound. They carved deep pavements in her cheeks and they slipped inside her lips. She let the sour taste plague her tongue as she bore the agony. Amelia walked in, her feet trailing like dead weight beneath her._

 _"Did you know about this?" Alex's voice became shrill for a moment before falling back down again. Amelia shook her head "no" as a single tear rippled down her porcelain face. "I'm sorry kid. I'm sorry you had to see that." Both of them were staring at the half stripped bed in paralytic air._

 _"It's fine," Amelia whispered. Alex bit the inside of her cheek to forbid a sob to leave her. "You can sleep in my bed if you want," Alex thanked the girl weakly, her eyes still fixed on the mess she had made. "We're gonna be okay though, right?" The girl looked up at her mother. Her tired, weak, vulnerable mother. The innocent question was enough to crush her soul into fine powder. She held Amelia's child-like gaze in her own for a few moments._

 _"We'll be okay. I promise. Everything is gonna be okay." Alex bit down harder on the shaft inside her cheek until the metallic taste of blood burst against her tongue. The sob she was trying too hard to contain finally broke free and Amelia rushed to comfort her shattered mother. Alex felt her heart sink further down as she made a promise she wasn't sure she could keep. She didn't want her daughter to know her uncertainty, but there no use in hiding the truth from her._

 _Because she knew._

 _She always knew._

The closest thing to love they had ever come to was Piper kissing Alex's temple after she had climaxed in October. She pressed her lips against her warm face like it was an instinct. A reflex. Both of them locked eyes for a moment and time had seemed to stop. Alex was blushing, her whole body was blushing. Piper smiled weakly to cover up for the little oops, but the other woman didn't seem to mind as she placed a kiss in the same place.

Or Alex involuntarily caressing Piper's face when she leaned in to kiss her neck in November. At first she had mentally kicked herself herself for it, even if it was an _accident._ But she heard Piper gasp softly at the touch. She felt her tense up, but then loosen completely and Alex hadn't even started yet. She melted in the most tender way possible and Alex felt her heart momentarily stop beating. She made a mental note to do that more often, but next time, with a little more intention.

And both of them couldn't forget how they'd spend an extra thirty minutes beneath the sheets entangled in each other on December nights. (The cold was their excuse. The cold seemed to be an excuse for _everything_ in New York City.) Alex would rake her hands through a sleeping Piper's hair as she snored quietly in her arms. Or Piper would draw designs and write poetry on the insides of Alex's wrists as she nodded off. Their hearts would beat in sync and their chests would rise and fall together.

It were those unspoken moments of perfection that made themselves out to be love.

Three months had rolled down their arching backs as one would ravage the other until both collapsed side by side.

Three months contained 17 Friday's which rolled off their calendars. Every one of which was spent moaning in either the blonde's or the brunette's bed, but never anywhere else or doing anything else. Never more than sex.

Three months had rolled off Piper and Amelia's conversations. Conversations that built a bond and put good coffee in their stomachs.

And three months was enough for all of it to shatter.

They knew the day would come. They knew it would lurk around in the back of their sex-crazed minds and then slither its way into the unsuspecting crevices of their lives. They were in denial of course. Of the fact that their collegy relationship would ever come to a close. Or that they never wanted to leave the warmth of each other's arms for reasons aside from the harsh weather.

But Piper knew everything she needed to know about Alex Vause, except her last name. She knew how Alex liked it. What angles to hit. What places would send tremors shredding up and down her body. What things would make her center convulse mercilessly around the blonde and what places would make her beg for more. She knew the exact shade of her eyes, she could pick it out in the paint section at any given Home Depot in the state. She knew the way she'd wipe the dried up sleep from her torpid eyes like it was residue in a bathroom sink. She knew every important and minute detail about her.

But _fuck_ , she wanted to know _more_. The basics and slivers of details weren't near enough for her. The lack of knowledge ate away at her like a savage animal. She wanted to unlock every occult mystery that was behind that bewitching smile. She wanted her to divulge her most childish hopes and most disastrous errors and she wanted to nurse them close to her chest. She wanted to know if she believed in god or if fate was already written in the stars. She wanted- no, _needed_ to uncover the secrets that taunted her so. Just the notion of there possibly being more already sent a knife twisting through her back.

And Alex knew what Piper wanted from her. Piper wanted to _know_. Piper thought she knew everything, but she had barely scratched the surface of what was behind. She didn't know how Alex _really_ felt about the not-so-innocent blonde she became so hypnotized by. She didn't know how much she craved the blonde's weight on top of hers on every other day of the week. She didn't know the complexity of madness that plagued her when she saw the vast seas in her sapphire eyes. She didn't know how addicted she was to the sweet taste of stress and adrenaline that flavored Piper's lips. How _buzzed_ that made her. She didn't know the withdrawal she felt when the warmth of her body wasn't next to her's beneath the cold sheets at night. She didn't about know the demons that resided at the foot of her bed. She didn't know what sort of vicious hell devastated the dense forests in her mossy eyes. She didn't know how much Alex hungered for her and she sure as hell didn't know how much it terrified her.

They were both scared. Petrified even. About how everything had evolved from that one October night. They desperately wanted each other. But they knew the heavy price of playing with fire. They knew well enough about the burns and scalds they'd receive if they dared walk into the open flame. Standing by and warming their palms wasn't enough. They both agreed on that. But lunging head-first into the embers proved far too fatal. So the blonde resolved the fiery angst the only way she knew how.

To put it out entirely.

They were in the blonde's room. Alex's weight was braced over Piper. She was nipping away at the smooth shafts of her collarbones, running her tongue over over the tender skin to soothe the wounds she left there. By now, Piper's eyes _would_ normally be rolling back to see the darkness inside her skull. Her mind _would_ be shutting down as she allowed the fevered rush of erotica to take over. But this time she didn't let herself give in to the sweet surrender. She forced herself to freeze. To embrace the icy wall she was building between them. She didn't let herself revel in the ample warmth the woman above her had to offer.

Then she had to do it.

She had to _fucking_ do it.

"Alex what are we doing." Piper's words hung like jagged icicles in the air.

"What?" Alex looked up at her in bewilderment, the warmth also draining from her skin.

"What is this. what are we doing." Piper arose as bone-chilling tension swirled between them.

"What are you-"

"No I- this is crazy. I can't believe I let myself get into this kind of routine." The blonde pulled a shirt over her head as she paced the room. Alex felt an angry heat start to bubble up inside.

"Are you _fucking_ kidding me? This was exactly what you wanted." She stood up on her feet to level up to Piper, who was rubbing the corners of her eyes in befuddlement as she stuttered.

"I moved to the city not a few months ago. I barely know the person I'm sleeping with. I jus-"

"So you're leaving because you're scared. You knew exactly what you were getting into." Alex was laughing now. But it was filled with frustration, and hostile awe.

"I'm sleeping with a fucking drug dealer can you blame me. I'm actually really surprised that you haven't asked me to do shit for you yet. Good fucking thing I'm ending this now before I'm hauling around _your_ profit to wherever the hell you'd be shipping me off too. Because isn't this normal for you? You fuck someone and then they become a piece in your twisted game?"

These words left frostbite on Piper's lips. Alex's laugh stopped short in her throat. The words hit her square in the chest. Her eyes widened first out of sheer impulse, but she reduced them down into narrow slits. Her expression was pain-stricken first, but she pressed her lips inward to prevent their parting reflex. She forced rage upon herself to mask the hurt she felt beneath the surface. But trying to overshadow the pain she felt in that moment was futile. Piper saw it clear as day. And she cursed herself for ever causing those green eyes to glaze over.

"Alex I-" She took a tentative step towards her and extended a sorry hand, but Alex rejected her by giving a pained scoff and turning aside.

"No. Don't even fucking try to take that back. Fuck you." She didn't look over her shoulder as she stormed out of the place, leaving Piper to drown in the deluge of her blistering tears.

* * *

 _Author's note: May the angst begin. Love you. ~S_


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: (I know it's long, but please read) _Hey for those who are still on board! SO I apologize for being dea_ _d for a while. I've been going through a lot really really tough blocks in my life and things have been very heavy, even far before I started writing this thing. If I'm being totally honest, I started crying when I wrote these chapters. This was supposed to be a step forward in the plot, but this is just filler stuff that I kinda used as a coping mechanism. But something was telling me to post them so here we are. These chapters were inspired mostly by songs I use to help me get through the shit I'm going through right now and I've taken the liberty to give the titles of the songs next to the chapter headings. It's been really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel from where I'm standing especially now, but to all the kind reviewers and those of you who've PMed me and to all the readers out there, thank you. Words can't begin to explain how grateful I am. Seriously. I didn't think I'd make it this far. ~S_

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Chapter 6 

_(Medicine by: Daughter)_

It took every ounce of effort in her faint body not to weep too loudly during the black nights that followed. Not to dig her trembling fingernails too deep into the mattress beneath her. Bags formed heavy violet shadows beneath her eyes and Piper's once sanguine blood became infused with liquor and cheap wine. The waste basket in the kitchen overflowed with empty glass bottles and the musty smell of spoiled alcohol became numb to her senses. She'd start her morning off with a glass of scotch or a few gulps of vodka straight from the bottle, which would last her up until the late afternoon. Then she'd sober up on the way to work until a splitting headache would constrict her by lunch. Then she'd return home and throw back a bottle of whiskey and scarf down whatever she had in her starving fridge and finish working until she'd pass out, wherever that happened to be. But the burning sensation of booze only kept her full for so long. After a few short hours of listless euphoria, she'd feel the horrible pangs of emptiness inside her begin to scream again. She'd feel the void form a pit deep in her chest and she'd try to purge herself senseless of that feeling. But she'd only find herself vomiting over the toilet bowl for a few minutes before returning to whatever bottle poison she was drinking before.

She fucked up. She knew she made a god awful mistake and it slept with her beneath the sheets as guilt mixed in with the saltiness of her tears. Her demons' voices were serrated and grim. They were cold as they ghosted against her skin. She would lie there in bed for hours upon hours, just replaying the wretched scene in her head. Every painfully minuscule detail included. She'd picture the features of Alex's face, the curves on her body and the hurt that was hidden behind that _fucking expression_ after Piper snapped.

She also knew she fucked up when she turned Amelia away when she just tried to help that Tuesday. Concern still outlined the adolescent features of her face when she muttered a demure "okay" before walking away, leaving Piper alone. Again.

It ripped her in two.

She hadn't seen or heard from Alex since that night and she wondered if her hair was still as black as the rims of her glasses or if her eyes still looked like emeralds in the sun. But gathering up the fragmented memories of the woman she once held would only make her cry even harder than she was before.

She didn't even know why she let those tears claw down her face the way they did and why she felt everything in such manners of extremity. After all it was just sex. Those nights with Alex's fingers braided in the strands of her blonde hair were nothing. They were vapor. Meaningless. So why did it all matter so much to her? Why did she even care?

 _Why did she abandon her in the first place?_

Because what Alex said that wretched day was right.

Piper was fucking scared.

From the moment those red lips curved so easily in that _goddamn_ smile in October, she knew she was fucked. She knew that she'd go in too deep, even when she promised herself that she'd stay in shallow water. All the scars from Stella's hellish realm were ripped open and the blood from the past was running red.

Pressing herself with questions didn't help. It only made her think of Alex more.

And it only made her go in ever deeper.

* * *

It was deafening echo of what happened years ago. After Sylvia left and Alex was damned to her personal circle of hell. But this hell wasn't fiery or burning with embers of red. This hell was dark. Void of light. As if someone had snuffed out the sun and the stars and every glimmer of hope in the cosmos. She wanted to feel sad. She _wanted_ to crawl beneath the sheets and cry until her eyes began to rust. She _wanted_ to scream into her pillow until her throat was raw and her vocal chords were torn to shreds. She _wanted_ to feel the weight of gloom grow heavy upon her chest as she felt her lungs fill up with distress. She _so_ _fucking badly_ wanted to feel the every essence of sadness.

But she was Alex Vause and she didn't have the time.

She couldn't eat. She _wouldn't_ eat. Everything she tried to put in her system would receive prompt rejection and she'd vomit, clutching the icy sides of the toilet seat until her knuckles went white. She'd vomit even if she didn't eat that day, as if her body was trying to rid itself some inexplicable yet mortal virus that churned about inside. She'd work until the whites of her eyes were bloodshot and she saw patterns and stars in each blink. Aside from closing deals and booking trips, not a single sound would escape her cracked and tired lips. But when there was no work left to be done, she would sit at the edge of her bed, staring wordlessly at the somber, beige wall. Never moving. Just watching in shock as if she had seen a murder. Dark circles cursed her eyes and sleep became a fantasy. Something told only in children's story books. She'd lie in bed with static screen bursting behind her eyes, the white noise blaring until her ears bled. Sawlike tears would prick her eyes, begging to be set free and drag down her sleepless cheeks. But she would never let them feel sweet release as she locked them up inside their ocular prison. She'd roll around in bed until the morning hours came and then she'd repeat the insidious cycle over.

As if it was normal.

As if this misery was all completely normal.

But one day she caught a glimpse of something sitting shyly behind the mirrored cabinet. Like a small beacon of light above the sink. She scrambled onto her wobbly feet from the cold bathroom floor and snatched the orange capsule in her clammy palms, fumbling with it in her tremor-laden hands. She adjusted her glasses to read the small text printed on the label.

 _Px#: 5291620-14798_

 _Vause, Amelia_

 _Prozac (Fluoxetine Hydrochloride)_ 20 mg

That's all Alex needed to read before she was swallowing two pills dry.

* * *

 _(Fix You by: Coldplay)_

Amelia saw it all. How deep the violet circles around her mother's weary eyes had become. She saw the gaunt shadows of her cheekbones darken by the hour and she saw her weakened heart sink through the windows of her pupils. She saw her working relentlessly and heard her assertive business voice falter as she spoke. She saw her stumble into the kitchen at 4 in the morning, scouring the shelves for booze. She smelled the pungent odor on her clothes and in the air. She felt sharp pains in her very soul when she'd hear her mother retching in the bathroom at night. She'd go in and hold back Alex's midnight hair as she hurled and the helpless girl would ask if everything was okay. Her broken mother would say nothing, just a crippled smile and a nod. Amelia wouldn't do anything. She didn't dare pry any further.

She'd just stand over her and feel her heart shatter.

The brown paper bag crinkled in Amelia's hand as she knocked softly on Alex's white door. It was already cracked an inch and it pushed open even with the light amount of pressure it received. She peered inside the lonely bedroom. Untouched plates and cups had accumulated on the bedside table from when the girl tried to feed her mother. The bed was unmade. The pillows were in disarray and the wrinkled linens were bunched up near the woman who sat by the edge. Her curved back was facing Amelia, who crept inside with tentative steps.

"Hey, mom. I brought you soup," she chirped. Her voice was loving and hushed, sure not to disturb the woman's "peace". She set the bag down next to the other abandoned plates. She turned to a dazed Alex, who still sat lifelessly on the bed and didn't regard her daughter's presence. Amelia felt her splintering heart begin to fracture as she looked at her mother. Her tired, helpless, weakened mother.

"You haven't had anything in weeks. You've lost a lot of weight. This isn't healthy. Please eat." Alex was still unresponsive as she sat frozen in place. Amelia knelt down on the mahogany floor to see her pale, drawn face. She let out a shaky sigh before she continued.

"Mom, please. _Please_ talk to me. I don't know what's going on and it's really, _really_ scaring me." Her voice trembled and her words were aquiver. She took the woman's frigid hands into her own delicate ones. She rubbed her thumb over the tops of Alex's fingers in gentle strokes. The mother finally met Amelia's sorrowful gaze. And even though her eyes were brown, every pair of blue ones wished they could stare as deeply into a soul as her's could.

They were brimming over with tears and they rippled down her face as broken sobs cracked the dense silence in the air.

" _Please_ , tell me. I want you to be okay," she sobbed heavily. She struggled to get the words out as her sadness wrapped its hands tighter around her neck. "I love you. I can't lose you again. _Not again_. I _can't_ lose you again. _Please_ , mom. _Please_ just be okay." Amelia was begging. She was _literally_ begging on her knees. Desperation welled up in her eyes as more tears fell onto Alex's lap. She was also crying. Tears were silently skating down from her glassy eyes as she listened to her daughter's sorrowed pleas.

"I really fucked up, kid." She bit down on her chapped lip. The flow of her tears grew heavier as they continued to fall. She was shaking her head slowly, almost as if she was scolding a small child. As if the small child was herself.

"Tell me." Amelia squeezed her hands. "I can't bear to see you like this anymore." Alex's lip was quivering as she gazed at her begging, sobbing, child. She let go of Amelia's hands and picked up a limp pillow that rested against the dark headboard. She reached her hand inside the pillowcase and revealed an orange bottle.

Amelia recognized it almost immediately.

The girl felt her already aching heart sink further into the floor beneath her. Her face grew pale as she took the half empty container in her hands and put it on the bedside table. Tears still continued to fall, but for a different reason. They fell out of fear, worry, and shock. Thoughts of why her mother would ever take her year-old meds banged against the walls of her mind. They left an unsettling feeling in the pit of her churning stomach and her heart rattling inside her chest.

"Mom how long have you had these?" Amelia's voice rose and quaked in her throat. She held Alex's tear stricken face and gazed deep into the broken windows of her bloodshot eyes. Alex shook her head and she collapsed. After so long, she finally broke down. She let down every wall in that instant. Every venomous tear that had been bottled up was released as she wept in heavy, jagged sobs that made her body tremble.

"I'm so sorry," she continued to shake her head as she cried into her palms. Her chest would cave sharply and her shoulders would rise and then plummet again. Alex never wanted Amelia to see her like this. She never wanted _anyone_ to see her like this. But her daughter was for a different reason. She was the one that was supposed to be strong. She was the one who was supposed to be the hero. But it never fucking happened that way and the shame bruised her bones.

"No, no, I'm not angry at you. God, no. It's okay. You should've told me," Amelia shot up from her kneeling position and stood in front of her now. She let Alex's head collapse upon her chest and she wrapped her desperate arms tightly around her mother's body. She cooed soothing reminders of unconditional love into her ear as Alex sobbed into the fleece of her jacket. Amelia combed her fingers through her unwashed raven hair and gently traced the path of her spine with her hands.

"I didn't want you to worry about me. God, I'm such a fuck up."

"Mom, please don't say that." She sat down next to her on the bed, still cupping half of her face.

"I fucked up. _So_ bad," she swallowed a sob and felt it run its nails down her throat. "You know, for some reason I thought that this one would be different, even if we were just fucking. I thought there was something there. Just _maybe_. But I had to get weak and let my guard down and of _course_ I fucking had to get burned. God, what the fuck was I thinking?" Her question was almost angered and her expression changed for half a second before returning to its depressed state.

"I'm so sorry you wound up with me as a mother. I should be better than this. I wish so fucking badly I could've given you more to look up to. I wish I didn't have to be the mom who left her daughter for months to import drugs." She was almost laughing at herself now, even though tears still streaked her face and trembles were sewn in her words. "I'm not the mother you deserve. Not in the fucking slightest. I'm so sorry. Jesus, I'm so fucking sorry." She nursed her head in her hands and felt a chill when Amelia scurried out the door. Before she could sob harder for her daughter abandoning her, she was back in her spot. This time with a sketchbook in her hands.

"Remember that drawing I gave to you for your birthday? This is full of the ones I screwed up. See in this one, your nose was off and your eyebrows were too thick." She flipped through the book to find another. "And this one, your lips were too thin. But I wanna show you this one." Amelia paged past more scribbled and exed out pages and then stopped. Alex studied it for a while.

"It looks perfect." She sniffled with a puzzled look painted across her face. Amelia smiled softly as she puffed out a gust of air through her nose.

"I hate it. It's not of you. I don't see my mother in this picture. I look at it and see a romanticized version of you. Before I gave it to you, I made sure the portrait I gave you captured _everything_ about you. From those two bottom crooked teeth you hate so much, to the fact that you only call me 'kid' and never by real name. When I first came up with the idea of giving you a drawing, I thought about drawing only one of my favorite things about you to sum it all up. But one thing wasn't enough. So gave you a full portrait of yourself because my favorite thing about you is that you are _you_ and no one else. Not a perfect mother. Not a perfect person. You're the tattoo clad, pragmatic, intelligent badass I am _so fucking proud_ to call my mom. If I know you at all, I know that you're not gonna let this bitch break you. Whoever the hell she is. If anything, you're gonna adjust your secretary glasses and conquer the rest of your world. Just as usual. You're not a fuck up. You're Alex. And if that's not something to be proud of, I don't know what is."

Her hands were weaving through her mother's long hair, whose sobs had subsided into soundless tears that spilled down her face. Alex always thought that motherhood would be a chore. That the child would always rely on the mother. To give words of prudence or braid her hair or do whatever mothers were expected to do for their daughters. But this was not her case. Far from it. Alex realized that she needed the kid than she needed her mother. She needed her daughter to make her cups of coffee every morning and listen to her problems. She needed her daughter to perfect her eyeliner and make inappropriate jokes with. She needed her daughter to cling to for safety. Even if it was only from the demons in the unsettling movie. She needed her daughter to wipe her tears away and tell her that the world wasn't against her. She would look into those big brown eyes and see constellations she couldn't begin to fathom. She saw her biggest fears and smallest dreams and they would shimmer in her nebulous pupils. She looked at her and saw everything that ever mattered to her. She looked at her and she was home.

"What the fuck did I ever do right to get a kid like you?" Amelia wiped the stray tears from Alex's weepy eyes with her thumb as she smiled at the question.

"The person who raised me did one hell of a job."

* * *

 _Author's note: Congratulations! You have gotten over 97% of the dark stuff that isn't even that dark! So I know that you guys (especially my lovely reviewer Vausmaniac. I love you, my dear) are especially anxious to get to the good stuff, but I promise it'll be in the next chapter. I just have to get my shit together first. Love you, ~S_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

 _Author's note: Hello! First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who was sending me positive vibes and support. It's really made my days a little brighter and you guys are amazing so thank you so much for the love. I liked my idea of putting songs in there to compliment the settings and thematic elements of the chapters so I put another one in there for you guys to give a listen to. So here's the next chapter, I hope ya like it! Love you, ~S_

* * *

( _Let it Go: James Bay)_

Alex didn't sleep in her bed a single night that week. She spent the charcoal shaded days curled up next to Amelia in her bed each night. Some nights they'd laugh away at insignificant shenanigans that happened during the day or god-awful sex jokes without getting a wink of sleep. Other times they'd just lie beneath the covers tangled in each other as they listened to the chorus of late night sirens outside the frosted window. They'd play with each other's hands, tracing their fingers or doodling inside their palms, or one would rest their head on the other's chest (the roles switched regularly). They even cleaned the apartment, even though it mostly consisted of Amelia moonwalking across the tile in cat-printed socks and Alex trying to mime her, without much avail. Alex was still retching in the bathroom at night and still had trouble keeping things down. But Wednesday of that week, she finished a bowl of rice and a slice of whole wheat toast without rushing to the toilet bowl. She kept working and her voice was regaining its fervor. When she was booking flights or talking to someone higher up in her field, it still had its underlying meekness. But the shadowy circles under her eyes were getting a little lighter. And that was progress already.

Things were looking up. Slowly but surely, things were looking up.

Alex never feared parent-teacher conferences. She knew it was always an in and out affair. The kid was fucking _Einstein_ but without the credit. They'd tell her that her child was great, she'd make a few jokes, and she'd be out the door again to wait for another January. She took a 10-second shower and threw on a leather jacket before poking her dark head into the sunlit studio. Amelia had been in the same position sprawled out on the floor with various sketches for the past hours. Or days even. She lost track.

"You didn't set anything on fire right?"

"Burned down the whole damn school."

"Atta girl."

* * *

Miss Chapman finally got her teacher shit together. She was grading papers at a steady pace again, she was getting everyone's names right, she even made a few friends. She became acquainted with outspoken Chemistry teacher, who's frizzed auburn hair inadvertently divulged her subject matter. The Buddhist health and wellness teacher, who _insisted_ that teaching high school until retirement was like a "mandala" (Piper still had no clue what she was talking about. Even after having the obscure metaphor explained). The ditsy Italian guidance counselor, and the Hispanic art teacher that inspired Amelia so.

She was in the swing of things. Sort of.

She was stacking papers and greeting parents goodbye. They'd leave either shell-shocked or they'd stroll out the door with a skip in their step. She enjoyed doing these meetings. She got the chance to see who were the authors of her students' personalities. How they spoke, how they walked, how they bantered. It proved that the apple didn't fall far from the tree after all. That those hackneyed sayings that would get _real_ fucking annoying _real_ fucking quick had a little bit of relevance. Just a little.

She felt her heart beat a little faster when her eyes met the name _Vause, Alexandra_ on her clipboard. In the back of her mind, she had wondered who it was that raised the student she had grown so fond of. Who molded and cultured her sense of humor and wit, her intelligence, and all the other good qualities that made up the girl. And the day was finally here. She smiled genuinely for the first time in a while when she imagined the mystery mother.

And then she knocked.

"Come in!" Miss Chapman was scribbling down all the things she wanted to talk about with her. All the discussions, the way they met, how beautiful she thought her chocolate eyes were. She heard the door creak open over the scratching of her pen, but she didn't look up when she called to the blurred figure. She finished writing the last of her thought and looked up.

"Hello, Miss Vau-"

And then they locked eyes.

 _Fuck._

 _No._

It didn't dawn on her immediately. But when it did, the realization rammed into her like a speeding train. Her stomach hit the floor and she felt the color drain from her face. Her heart was turning in her ribs and throbbing deep in her skull. Her eyes felt like they had all the liquid sucked out of them like a sudden drought and she felt like melting into the cracks of the floor. Her pathetic mantra of _Thisisnthappeningthisisnthappening_ was useless. She even tried to fucking close her eyes and fly to check if it was a dream gone south. But she opened her eyes and the woman still stood there. She was right fucking

 _there._

Piper connected all the dots and she scolded herself for not seeing it any sooner. Alexandra, well Alex ( _the_ Alex) was the exact match of Amelia Vause. They had the same thin face and their cheekbones were both high on their faces. Their hair was the same shade of onyx (though Amelia's was slightly more chestnut) and their stance had the same dosages of confidence. They both had the same amounts of mystery about them. Every time she's talk to them she'd would find herself hanging on their every word. They both had identical forms of wit. She assumed it was a signature Vause trait. They both had quick tongues and keen remarks and paralleled sarcastic lark. Those eyes had the same piercing quality. Brown and green made no difference to her as long as those goddamn eyes would keep their razor edge. They had the ability to stare into souls and stop hurricanes or put an end to any other disaster she could come up with. But this time Alex's eyes didn't have that sharp quality behind them. And it made Piper felt that sharpness in a different way.

They were wide. Though Alex still held her assured stance and she stood all the way across the room, the blonde could see the whites as clear as day. She saw that her jaw hadn't moved an inch but rather clenched. Piper took all of it in. Alex looked _fine_. It fucking hurt.

"Please, sit." She swallowed thickly as she pushed the words out. Alex walked slowly to the vacant seat in the middle of the classroom. Her step was almost taunting or mocking. She slid her lush body into the chair and waited for the blonde to take her seat, arms folded across her ample chest. Piper tried her best not to sink in her chair across from her. She looked down at her corpse-like palms in that rested in her lap and averted Alex's gaze as she let her mouth ramble over. She looked up when she heard a scoff. Alex's lips were pulled up in a smirk and her green eyes sneered at the teacher.

"What."

"I'm still waiting to hear about my kid. You started your sentence about five times and never got any further."

 _Shit._

Piper opened her mouth to answer, but no words came out. Alex shook her head smugly and sank her gleaming teeth into her plush lip as Piper returned her gaze back down to the floor.

"Why did you not tell me you had a kid?" Her words were articulated and drawn out. The question was _shy_. Alex scoffed again, this time with a laugh behind it.

"Was it vital information? Did you _really_ think I needed you to know?"

"Actually, it would've been nice to know a little bit about the person I'd been sleeping with for three months aside from their line of work." Alex repeated the phrase _line of work_ under her breath as her eyes rolled back.

"Well does it matter now? You can't even look at me." Piper finally picked up her weighted head and felt those eyes pin her to the back of her chair.

"I just would've never guessed. You just don't seem like the-"

"Type? Yeah, I get that a lot."

 _Silence_.

"Look, I didn't come here to make small talk with the person who fucked me over. I came to hear about the kid." Piper swallowed again before responding meekly.

"She's fantastic."

"See, not that hard."

"Alex."

" _What._ "

Their gazes sealed again as another cold silence brooded over them. Piper didn't know what her own expression held. All she knew was that the only thing she felt was the echo of guilt and loss ringing inside her chest. The pain of something being so close yet so far away. The person who made her emotions sing and cry all at once sat within arm's distance, but she wouldn't dare touch. She thought she saw Alex's eyes soften. She thought she saw them gloss over with tears and the corner of her lip pull down for a second. Just for a second.

"My thoughts exactly." Alex's words weren't harsh. They weren't filled with the hate or bitterness. They were _hurt_. Frayed at the edges. Her voice was weak. It rasped as it naturally did, but in a tired, hopeless way. It quivered, like she was trying to pull the words out from inside and they were resisting her. She had never seen Alex as vulnerable or emotional. Someone capable of feeling loss or someone without depth. But seeing her face wilt, even for a moment, made her revoke that assumption. Fast.

Piper watched her leave. Piper listened to her boots grow quiet as the door shut. Piper stood there. Paralyzed. She felt every emotion from that night scratch at her walls inside again, begging to come out. She wanted to let them out. She wanted to lock the door and weep and never let the next set of parents come in. She wanted to pull the tears out from her eyes and purge the sobs out from her body. But the tears wouldn't shed. The sobs wouldn't come. So she stood there. Breaking in silence. Feeling everything collapse upon each other. And feeling like there was nothing to do about it.

* * *

It wasn't like Alex didn't feel anything upon seeing her. No one could go emotionless when they saw someone who made them bleed so much. In fact, it was far from nothing. It was _everything_. When Alex laid eyes on doe-eyed blonde, her feet anchored to the floor. Every heartbeat felt like a dull knife driving into her chest. She felt her empty stomach wring itself inside and the air in each breath grow thin. She had the option to flip the bird walk away, but her cemented feet defenestrated that option. But in the myriad of bodily malfunctions and emotional fuck ups, she stayed. She set her jaw in place and went to meet her. She wasn't a coward. No fucking way she was going to let that adjective anywhere near her name. She wasn't someone who fled from anything. Alex knew that trying to do that was like trying to run away on moving pavement. It would somehow find a way to bite her in the ass. She faced it head on. Just as she had done in the past.

But this time was different.

She found herself struggling to catch up with the raging tides of pain. The pain that felt like salt in a wound. The whole time she was grinding down on the shaft inside her cheek, sending the urges of tears back into the green underbrush of her eyes. Sure, she looked cool and in control, but _fuck_ she was drowning. And when her name was uttered out from Piper's lips, those sweet, sweet, lips that had once kissed her with abandon, she felt it all come crashing down. The dam that she had built as soon as she walked through the door fell into ruin. And it wasn't until Alex left the building that she felt a laden tear slip her eye.

She took the long way home. She came home drained. Jaded. It was only 2:30 some in the afternoon and she felt like curling up in beneath the sheets of Amelia's bed and crashing for the night. She let the front door shut itself as she trudged over to the studio, finding Amelia on her feet. She was sketching out something on the white wall in pencil, modeling off of a different sketch she held on her hand and singing to whatever unheard of song was playing from her phone.

"Hey."

"Hey, can you toss me that sharpener over there?" She nodded to a red pencil sharpener on her desk.

"Yeah." She lobbed it over to Amelia who caught it with ease. She walked over to where she was making her graphite etchings on the wall and peeked over at the paper she held in her hand. It was an abstract mural of a face with cool shades of lilacs, blues, and pinks streaked across the eyes.

"That's gonna come out really amazing. for lack of a better word. "

"Thanks. I want the violets to drip across the wall and down the cheeks. I'm gonna make the face white but highlight around the eyes kinda pinkish so it pops, but not too much." Amelia turned her attention to Alex. She looked exhausted and her face was drawn.

"Mom, you good?"

"Yeah, um." She cleared her throat. "You never told me about your English teacher." Amelia flashed a bewildered look.

"Oh, Miss Chapman? She's cool. I mean we're friends I guess. I mean she's got 12 years on me. And underhandedly called me a lazy delinquent..." Amelia shook her head and rolled her eyes as she trailed off. Alex gave a knowing look. It was almost forlorn. Her eyebrows arched towards each other and she sighed through her nose.

Then Amelia knew.

"No way." Alex sighed again. Amelia dropped her jaw and let out a harsh scoff. "I can't fucking believe this. You're joking." She was beyond appalled.

"I wish I was."

"How come you didn't tell me about her? You told me that you slept with _someone_. But you were sleeping with her for three months? I mean I know the rules but _three months, Mom!_ " Amelia ran a hand through her untamed hair. Alex pressed her lips together and raised her glasses to the crown of her head.

"I don't know, I'm just as surprised as you are!" She shrugged heavily." You never asked or came out of your room when she was over so I never told." Amelia rubbed the corners of her eyes before continuing.

"So she's the one that completely fucked you over."

"Uh huh." Amelia's shocked expression morphed into one that was angered. Alex could practically see flames ignite in her chestnut eyes as her brow furrowed. Her grip on the pencil in her hands tightened until her knuckles went white.

" _That bitch!_ " The pencil snapped in half.

Alex didn't know she could do that. Amelia didn't know either.

"Amelia," It was Alex's turn to give a bewildered look. She watched half amused, half confused as Amelia marched to her closet and yanked her trusty charcoal fleece off the wire hanger. She wrestled with it for a while before she pulled her arms through the sleeves and her head through as she muttered bitterly to herself.

"I'll be back in an hour." She combed her hair with her fingers and stepped into her rugged snow boots.

"Where the hell are you going?" Alex felt a twinge of worry begin to bubble up inside her.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine." She stormed out of the apartment and the walls rattled as the door slammed behind her.

 _Fuck._

* * *

Piper forced herself through six more meetings, countless feigned smiles, and through the endless pangs of regret that cursed her throughout. She didn't see her students in the faces of their parents anymore. All she saw was _that_ face. The one that sat across from her just hours ago, dangling all her fuck ups right in front of her. The one that held the little glimpse of vulnerability that unstitched every awful feeling in Piper's chest. All she saw were those stained glass eyes that cut deep into her soul and how damn _tired_ that face looked. She would search the parents' faces for some sort of release from the image that stuck in her mind, but every time, that face would be sitting across from her, stealing her focus and stealing her sanity.

But it was all over now. She had rearranged the bulky desks back to their original positions and she was organizing the students' profiles into a Manila folder, labeling it with the date. She was scratching down extra feedback and notes and other meaningless teacher shit when she heard more footsteps. At first, she brushed the distant patter off, assuming that it was just another member of the staff. So she directed her attention back to her pen and files.

Until they were knocked out of her hands.

" _You judgmental fuck!_ "

Before she knew it, the heavy wooden door swung open and Amelia was thundering into the classroom, slapping her hard across the face. Her hand, though slight and feminine looking, dragged like iron across Piper's cheek. It left a stinging, needle-like sensation pricking against the redness and sent her papers flying.

She couldn't help but notice how much like Alex she looked then. Which only made her cheek throb harder.

"Ah! What the hell!?" Piper was holding the tender place in her hand, but Amelia had already seized her by the collar of her navy sweater and forced her against a wall.

Piper could've easily made light of this situation. The girl was standing on the tips of her toes just to get her pinned, and Piper _still_ had about a good six inches or _more_ over her. But she couldn't. Even though she was still head and shoulders above her, she still cowered as the blades of her back dug into the wall. Amelia's eyes were fatal daggers that made deep wounds in her heart. They were like fire and ice at the same time, burning through her line of defenses and leaving them frozen all at once.

"Don't play stupid with me you know exactly why I'm here and don't even think for a fucking second think that Alex put me up to this."

Piper felt her body shut down at the sound of Alex.

Shit.

 _She knows_.

Amelia released Piper, but she still felt the girl's terrorizing grip against her neck and collarbones. The fury was still bright in her chestnut eyes and fright was still bright in Piper's.

"Do you know what the fuck you've done? I know she seems too tough or cynical to even have emotions but do you know what the _fuck_ you've done?"

 _Yes._

"I don't give two shits about how you made false assumptions about my work ethic or character. But _don't_ fucking judge my mother and act like you're better than her _and then leave._ Who the fuck does that? Do you know what sorta hell she's seen?"

Piper was silent at this. _Hell?_ She bent her troubled brow at the fervid question.

" _Do you, fucker?_ " Piper jumped and felt tears burn at the seams of her eyes. Amelia took Piper's response as a no.

"Well, I'll tell you. She had me when she was 21, a victim of rape. Her higher-up decided it would be funny to fuck a lesbian or some twisted shit like that."

Piper's breath caught up in her throat as she was transported back to the night Alex saved her sorry ass. She thought of young Alex. Scared. Alone in the dead of night. Feeling every inch of fear and helplessness Piper felt, _on steroids_. Her eyes were already swimming with tears and she assumed Amelia wasn't near finished speaking.

And she wasn't.

"She was supposed to have aborted me. But she decided to keep me. You know, it's dangerous knowing that her boss could have both of us killed depending on the weather, but she stays there for us. It's the only thing she knows will put food on the table. And even though she's tough as nails and no one dares to rub her the wrong way, I remember nights where she'd cry and apologize to me and I would make her cups of coffee to feel better. She'd always promise me that we'd make it. We'd be happy and safe and that everything would be okay as long as we had each other."

Piper's heart had long stopped beating. The thought of Alex, tough, sexy, unemotional Alex crying made her physically sick.

"And then she met Sylvia. She fell in love and when she falls for someone _she fucking falls_. They were together until Alex caught her in bed with someone else after she was out of the country for a month." Amelia shook her brown head at the reminiscence. "She shut down. She had finally let down her iron walls and they _fucked_ it up. They fucked _her_ up."

Amelia's metal expression softened. And she began to laugh. That same low laugh that Alex laughed before she left so long ago. It was malicious. Jeering. Streaming from her like a smooth river of black silk. Piper felt her blood run cold in her veins.

"And then she found you. How _nice_. How _sweet_. She came home from your little 'playdates' and I hadn't seen her so damn happy, not since Sylvia was with us." Her voice regained its thunder. Even more so than before. "And then you had to go and ridicule her and abandon her just for the choices she _had_ to make. Do you think she _wanted_ to import heroin? Do you think she _wanted_ to worry about a child? Do you think she _wanted_ to do both at the same time? _Fuck no_. You ripped her fucking heart out you know that? You hurt her. _So_ bad."

Piper was already crying, biting back bitter sobs and averting eye contact for as long as possible. And whenever she'd look back at the girl, her eyes would be waiting.

"But she has to keep going. She has to worry about bills and food and a kid and the gun that's always against her back with her job. She hasn't eaten in _weeks_. She hasn't slept in _weeks_. She hasn't gone _three fucking days_ without vomiting out of anxiety or depression and suppressing all the shit you put her through. You know she was using my old antidepressants just to feel numb? Just for a little. She doesn't have _time_ to be heartbroken. Think about that. She doesn't have _time_ to feel the hurt _you_ caused her."

That made Piper's body weaken.

"She is strongest person I know and deserves to be treated like fucking god himself. You may think that you're the _shit_ because you went to college or you sell luxury soaps in your spare time, but you will _**never**_ be half the woman Alex Vause is and _**I hope you fucking know that**_ **.** How _dare_ you disrespect her."

Piper's heart was far blown out of her chest. Her tears left bite marks in their ducts before dragging down her face.

"Fuck you, Piper. Pretend you never knew me."

And it was the last thing she heard from Amelia Vause.

* * *

 _Author's note: Thank you all so much for reading. I love your reviews and I just can't even say how grateful I am. I love you, ~S_


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

 _Author's note: Hello friends! So to those of you who felt bad for Piper, good because that was kinda my intention. But also Amelia needed a shining moment so yeah. As an update: I'm back in therapy and back on Xanax (for those of you who don't know, it's for anxiety) which is a step forward. But I love all of you and here is the next chapter. ~S_

* * *

Piper's name became a curse word in the Vause household. Even though words like "fuck" or "shit" were used as commonly as "the" and "that", no one dared utter the forbidden name.

It was like Voldemort. Except _he_ was a _she_ and _she_ was _worse_.

Amelia hadn't spoken to Piper. Not since she scared her out of her skin the day of conferences. She still inhabited her usual corner of First Period AP English, but whenever the teacher's pleading eyes would search for any glimpses of forgiveness in her's, she'd make sure Piper knew that there was nothing to find.

And Piper fucking knew.

They spoke only twice over the three weeks of tension. Both times made the teacher want to hide beneath her skin. The first time was when Amelia was in the faculty workroom copying papers for the bubbly guidance councilor standing next to her.

 _"Oh, Amelia! Have you met Miss Chapman? She's the new AP English teacher," the New York accent beamed. Amelia wasn't enthused. Her burnished eyes were lackluster and her face was like icy metal._

 _"No, no I haven't."_

That made Piper sink into her shoes.

The second time was when she had spilled water all over the girl's shirt. Piper was apologizing profusely and offered her a jacket from her car.

 _"It's fine," She mumbled as she elbowed past. But Piper wasn't done, she caught the girl's tattooed arm before it could escape her reach._

 _"Amelia." Piper's hand slipped down to her wrist and she ran her thumb over the pulse point, almost as if she was writing an apology there._

 _But Amelia snatched her hand away and left, stuffing both of them into the depths of her pockets and stranding Piper in her ocean of regret._

* * *

Amelia fiddled with the stubborn zipper on her fleece as she hummed a catchy song about animals and a cage in between frustrated sighs. The girl made two good decisions that day. Her first was staying behind to study and get a few steps ahead of her classmates. Her second was calling a cab to avoid the frigid walk back to the apartment. So all there was left on her agenda was to wait. The school seemed empty. Only a few locker slams and footsteps served as a soundtrack for the eerie setting. But her senses perked up when she heard furious heeled footsteps inching closer to her. Then they ran wild when a firm hand clenched her ear, dragging her into a classroom.

The grip on her cartilage was tight as it almost crushed her barbell. Amelia whipped around to see her captor.

Piper Fucking Chapman.

She released the girl's ear and adjusted her stance, assuring that she dominated over her.

"The _fuck_?" Amelia massaged the pain as she tucked her hair behind her pounding ear.

"That was for slapping me." Piper's face was emotionless, chilling the room itself to the core. It almost scared Amelia how blasé she looked and how low her voice settled in her throat. Nothing scared Amelia Vause. And even the implication that she feared Robot Piper was a statement.

"Look, I know that the situation is complicated for you, but let's be adults about this. _The_ _Silent Treatment? Really?_ How juvenile can you be? You know, Alex didn't even tell me her last name or that you even existed. So what do you care? I don't see why you're so emotional over all of this." Almost immediately did Amelia's heart soar up to her throat, but she coaxed it back down to its place in her chest by swallowing down the words.

"You know, I can easily take off letter grades or even report you to Principle Healy for your unnecessary behavior and the way you've been treating your authoritative figures. After all, I am your teacher. I should be exacting that power over immaturity like the kind you've been displaying. You're acting like a baby. Get a grip, kid. Shit like this happens all the time."

Piper was cold. Her voice was frozen over by some blizzard of apathy and anger that made Amelia's breath _feel_ visible. She looked as if someone would turn to ice at her touch and the sheer blueness of her eyes didn't help much. She epitomized the essence of cold then. But Amelia didn't freeze over.

She ground down on her cheek, just as her mother did, and swallowed down a bad taste in her mouth. She calmly swept up the disarray of thoughts and breathed.

 _In._

Out.

 _If Piper can keep her cool, so can you._

"Piper, I know this happened to you too. Don't try and fake toughness you don't have. I can smell the alcohol from the back of the classroom."

Piper's cold front began to crack.

"I'm so sorry. I really, truly am. And I'm also so sorry for lashing out the way I did. It was really immature and unfair of me. I shouldn't have treated you so badly and thrown all of that in your face. But you walked right into this. I hate to tell you, but I'm sure you know about that already.

Piper denied it. She pushed the accusation so far beneath the surface that it began to rot with the dead. But she knew it was true. She would always fucking know it was true.

"So what if you didn't know about me or what her last name was? That shouldn't matter and evidently, it didn't matter until now."

Amelia wasn't cold against Piper's chill. Her voice breathed warmth and light against the ice the blonde had built. But Piper resisted it with everything she had, sheeting her expression with another layer of frost.

"You didn't have to end it. You both knew you fucking needed each other. Alex still needs you. And you need her too. And yes, I know it's hard for the both of you because of bad luck and shit like that, but it's _so_ clear. _So clear_ , Piper. And on another note, did you _have_ to mention drugs when you left? That reached back into stuff you didn't have a clue about. Yes, people have ridiculed her for the life she lives but Pipes, when I found out it was you, it _hurt_. I'm just disappointed that an intelligent person who I looked up to stooped so low. _That_ was a let down. That really. Fucking. Let me down."

They stood there silently, gazing at each other, having nothing to cut the silence. Piper's furrowed brow raised, just enough to soften her iron glare. Even if her eyes still held a blade to Amelia's neck.

"You looked up to me?" Amelia folded her jacketed arms across her chest and shifted her focus to her shoes.

"I hope that wasn't the only thing you heard. But yeah. I- I looked up to you." She brought her brown eyes back up to meet the blonde's. But this time they were filled with glass and they shimmered beneath her lashes.

It was Piper's turn to swallow down a bitter taste.

"You were my friend. My _best_ friend. I knew that you never looked down on me for a second and I knew that you enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed your's. You treated me like an equal. And I know you're a lot older than me, but I know that I was your's too." Her voice had uneven tremors behind it and she visibly bit down on her cheek harder.

She was trying so hard. _So fucking hard_ not to cry. Piper knew it too. And it made her body _hurt_ like _hell._ Watching her try to resist the fierce tides of emotion in her glossy eyes was like watching a maimed fawn trying to stand against a lion. Excruciating. Heart wrenching.

 _Hopeless_.

"You're using the past tense." Piper's voice was still dull and her arms with still crossed, but her face was splintered a little. Just enough to show that she still had feelings.

"You are. I'm just having a hard time finding her right now." Amelia gave in. She finally blinked down the tears she fought so hard against. The droplets caught in her lashes like dew in a web as more spilled down her gaunt cheeks.

And it took only those few tears to send the ice castle crashing down.

Piper forgot her own toughness or wrath when she saw Amelia cry. Even silently. She didn't see mature or scholarly Amelia standing in front of her. She didn't see normal seventeen-going-on-thirty Amelia either. She saw _child-like_ Amelia. Not immature or weak, _child-like_. She saw the girl in her most innocent, pure, and meek form with her tear stained eyes and and stripped guard. Seeing the sadness rain down from her deepened eyes made Piper understand why mothers never wanted to see their children cry. Ever.

Piper dropped her gated arms and rushed to her, without thinking for a moment about the hard exterior she put on before. She kissed the top of Amelia's head and held her lips there as the girl wrapped her arms around the blonde. Amelia's soundless tears seeped into Piper's chest, making the woman instinctively pull her in closer.

She drew backward and tenderly swiped her thumb across the girl's cheek.

"Amelia, I am so fucking sorry. I'm sorry for screwing everything up. I shouldn't have been so reckless and scared and tossed around something so delicate without any knowledge. That was a really dick move. I fucked up a lot of things and you fucked up a lot of things and we both did a lot of fucked up things that hurt each other. We're both assholes. But I'm sorry for everything. None of this should've happened the way it did and I shouldn't have been so selfish. You are my best friend. My fucking _best friend_ who is 15 years younger than me and whose friendship I am not _near_ worthy of. And we're gonna fix this and it's all going to be okay."

Piper's voice was determined and apologetic now. It had no trace of resentment in in whatsoever. Her hands were on Amelia's shoulders and moved to clean the makeup from underneath the girl's eyes. Then Piper smiled at her, earning a younger smile in return.

"That should be a movie line."

"Don't ruin the moment."

"Wait, does that mean I'm gonna have to call you _Mom_?"

And they were back.

* * *

Alex was sleeping in her room again. If it wasn't for Amelia catching a bad case of the flu, she would've spent the summer and the next year in her daughter's bed. She'd drift to sleep to the scratching of No 2 pencil against the white wall as if it was a lullaby and she'd instinctively pull her little spoon closer to her body when she'd wake up in the middle of the night. She would've stayed in the fond cocoon of percale sheets for forever.

But leaving had its perks.

From the outside looking in, it seemed like the notion of Piper's existence had been wiped clean from her memory. She was going out again. Moans reverberated against the walls of the penthouse at night again. Alex picked up her eyeliner and red lipstick and stepped into her dark noir heels again. It was like nothing ever happened.

But something _did_ happen. And it was a memory wasn't ready to be forgotten.

Alex had to make her own coffee that morning. Independence was a staple in her lifestyle, but it was a vast switch in gears to touch the unnecessarily complex coffee machine. Her bare feet were numb against the tile as she paced in aimless steps, her hands absorbing the generous warmth her mug gave off. She finished working early, shaking hands with accented men through a telephone line and transferring more loads of cash halfway across the world. The whole place was to herself. Amelia had gone out to take a test with an acronym that scared the shit out of the poor thing. She toured the place as she let the morning settle in her bones. She hummed through the kitchen, stealing an apple from the Italian glass bowl in the center. Then through the living room, where she set her mug down before starting on her food. She ignored her room and her unmade bed and then found herself breathing in the paint-scented air of Amelia's studio. She shuffled around and flipped through numerous sketchbooks. Portraits of unknown faces, geometric doodles (which looked far too sophisticated to be classified with doodles), buildings, and other abstract pieces.

They were beautiful. Exceptional. _Amelia's_. And it made Alex swell with motherly pride.

Her fingers turned over a page and her heart stopped.

It was a sketch of Piper.

 _The_ Piper.

She didn't shut the book or rip the page from its binding. Nor did she feel the sting of anger seethe in her chest. She found herself locking eyes with the No. 2 pencil-version of the blonde. The sketch was simple. It was only made up of lines and cross-hatchings. But somehow, Amelia managed to capture the little details of her. Even though the only color used was grey, she saw her blonde hair and sapphire eyes glistening through the graphite. Alex couldn't help but picture actual Piper. How her laugh was like music to score a feel-good movie she'd _actually watch_ and how her gleaming smile was something to behold. She remembered how her head felt on her chest as they nestled beneath the covers. How _right_ it felt. How fucking _perfect_ it felt. It sent pain shooting in her veins, but she still smiled down at Piper, encapsulating every remain the page held. She ghosted her thumb over her face, barely touching the page in fear of ruining it somehow.

"Having fun?" Amelia laughed as her startled mother turned to her, flustered.

"Oh. Hey. Uh, yeah."

Alex was tough, but _god_ , was she a _terrible_ actor.

"Which one?" She walked over to Alex and leaned her head again her mother's side, to which Alex responded by placing a kiss on her temple and a quick "I love you" in her ear. Seeing her hand caressing Piper's sketch, Amelia practically felt the nostalgia radiating off of Alex's chest. It made the girl's heart pick up its pace.

"Oh. Yeah, she was helping me study one day and I sketched her during a break." The woman hummed in response. The heaviness of longing weighted the oxygen they breathed. Amelia nuzzled her nose into Alex's shoulder before speaking.

"How are you feeling by the way?"

"I'm okay I guess. I'm getting by."

"Mom, no you're not." Alex's thumb stopped its motion as she gave the girl a puzzled look.

"You've been bringing people home every night this week. 18 this month. You've been sleep walking into my room or the kitchen at night and I move you to the couch or your room. You know you sleep talk? You mumble all these sentences about how good you're gonna give it to Piper or you make these weird sex noises. Do you seriously dream _that much_ about fucking my English teacher?" Alex's gaze fell in embarrassment first, but then it went back at Piper. She swallowed down a thick lump that was growing in her throat as she blinked at the portrait.

"Do you love her?" Alex was hesitant to look at Amelia, expecting her face to be creased with frustration or disappointment. But when Alex shyly brought her eyes to meet Amelia's they were far from harsh. They were awed. Spilling with sympathy and understanding like some middle aged mother with a lovesick daughter. Alex was silent.

Alex was _scared._

There was a new color of fear that pigmented her eyes, along with all the other emotions that one feels when they're in love. It was a sort of fear that someone feels when they're fascinated with something. When there's a thunderstorm outside and they want nothing but to go outside and feel as one with the cracks of lighting. Feel the cold rain bullet down against their skin and scream along to the song of the storm. _That's_ what their love was. A storm. A storm they would weather over and over again.

Amelia's knowing eyes smiled to compliment the shape of her lips. She pulled out her phone from her pocket and handed it to her mother after a few taps.

"Keep the picture." The girl walked away, sliding the large door shut and leaving Alex to herself. The light of Piper's contact glared back from the screen, waiting for her to do something with it. Her finger hovered over the bright black numbers as her blood flared in her veins. And without even thinking, she brought the phone to her ear and waited.

Straight to voicemail.

Alex cleared her throat just in time for her cue to speak.

 _Hi, Piper. It's- It's me. Alex. Uh. If you get this, meet me at the bar at 10. I think we should talk._

 _/_

* * *

 _Author's note: Cliffhanger for next time. I love you ~S_


	9. Chapter 9

_Author's note: **Hello loves! I have a few things I need to say** : First of all, this is possibly the last chapter :( but I am seriously considering adding a very brief peek into the future. But I don't know. Second, I can't fucking believe this has over 10,000 views in its first month. That's fucking crazy I didn't even think this would hit 100. But wow that's mind blowing thank you. Third, I kinda revamped the first chapter because I read it and hated it. It's honestly not much better and barely was changed, but I had to add a few things here and there. So anyway, here is the chapter. read on! (Update: I'm taking off school and doing virtual so most of my days have been spent listening to a mix of Drake and weird indie music and taking long showers and basically anything zen to take my mind off of doing anything I might regret.. But the peace has been so lovely oh my god *heart eyes* I know I have a long way to go, but you guys are really fucking great.) Love you, ~S_

* * *

Chapter 9

Alex was ready to leave the house at 8:37 and she tried her hardest to leave without a peep. Unfortunately, the very indiscrete clopping of her heels made her motives far too obvious for her intent and Amelia dragged her back in the house. She somehow managed to get her mother in a pair of sweats and on couch to watch a movie with her.

The movie was terrifying _as usual_.

Alex ended up in her lap and Amelia had to play the mommy _as usual_.

And Alex denied every scream, whimper, and everything said along the lines of "Holy fuck _" as usual._

But Alex deemed the bloodcurdling film as preparation for the unpredictable night ahead. Her heart would throb much harder than it was during the movie and her head would spin much faster. She swallowed the adrenaline like a drug to numb the rising tension in her chest.

 _It's fine. Everything's going to be fine._

/

Piper was settling down with a glass of wine when she heard Alex's message. A little piece of her wanted to squeal like a prepubescent girl when she heard the voicemail, but the majority of her felt like passing out. Listening to the easy rasp of her voice through the line sent tremors plunging down her spine and through all the ends of her body. She imagined her pacing the proximity of her bedroom and unnecessarily adjusting her glasses as she did whenever she spoke. Piper felt cold and hot at the same time and it was like the whole thing was a fevered dream. Maybe it was because of the wine or maybe it was because Alex Vause, sexy, _angry,_ Alex Vause deliberately called her, but she felt a swaying dizziness begin to rock her back and forth. After riding with the listless wave for a little while, she replaced her wine with cold water and dressed.

/

Alex was already waiting for her, scotch in hand.

Piper felt the hour-old wine churn in her stomach and her throat close up with angst.

Alex felt almost _relieved_ to see her. Like she was genuinely scared that Piper wouldn't come. And she was genuinely afraid that she would see the blonde again, even with the 18 women she had whisked away from sleazy nightclubs and bitter nights throughout the course of the month. But lo and behold, there she was, right in front of her. She looked so _tired_. Even though she looked just as fucking perfect as Alex always remembered, she saw strokes of violet beneath the fair skin around her smokey eyes.

Alex was partially correct. Piper wasn't tired, she was _homesick_.

When Piper's eyes found Alex amid the sea of nobodies, she felt like she was home. Inhaling the long missed scents of familiarity to remedy the aches of nostalgia that resided in her chest. She wanted _too_ badly to collapse in Alex's arms and bury her nose into the crook of her neck. She wanted to _breathe_ her. She wanted to feel the warmth of her skin through her clothing, kiss the dip of her collarbone and know that Alex wanted to do the same. But she knew she couldn't. Timing was everything now. And now was nowhere near appropriate for that sort of sentiment.

They started at each other in silence, absorbing every detail of each other until their hearts were at capacity. Alex's nails were chiming against the glass she nursed and Piper locked her freezing hands together.

Alex was fighting a war to resist the oncoming urges to close the taunting distance between them. They would come in waves and it was one hell of a struggle to battle against them. Finding the right words to say to her was an even bigger one. She was scouring her turbulent mind for the right sequence of words to describe how much she missed her and how much she fucking needed her. How _vital_ she was. And the pent up anxiety was starting to shut her down.

"Pipes- Piper. Come home with me." She could practically hear the ghost of Amelia laughing her ass off at how amazingly _unsubtle_ she was.

Ghost Amelia was right. And kind of a bitch about it too.

Piper's pupils were blown far past her irises at the blatantness of the phrase. They were forlorn and it made Alex feel like she hung on the edge of oblivion. But something in the sea of black and blue let Alex know that the blonde's emotions were mirroring her own. That she knew how badly Alex wanted to caress her skin and rake her fingers through her endless maze of blonde hair over and over again. It made the forming lump in her throat grow thicker.

"Alex I-" Piper's voice was barely above a whisper.

"I know. I just- We both need this. I'll never speak to you again if that's what you want. Fuck, just- _Please_." Alex was begging and she cursed herself for sounding so weak. She was clamping down on the flesh inside her cheek as her heartbeats thumped in her ringing ears. Alex was fully correct this time. They _did_ both need this and it took a few weighted moments for Piper to work up the strength to nod her head yes.

Alex had to mask her sigh of relief with a sneeze.

/

The ride there felt a whole lot shorter than usual, giving them little to no time to compose themselves before they stepped inside the empty penthouse. They were overwhelmed and they were completely still at the same time. They were both gasping for breath and yet their lungs would be full with every drink of air. It was all a paradox. A poignant oxymoron. Everything felt normal and foreign all at once and even though they memorized each other's faces, it was like they were seeing an unnamed stranger. Coffee and poison were one in the same as long the closeness they craved felt so distant.

Piper noticed that Alex was shaking when she was turning the knob of the door, almost giving her some justification for her nerves. But the blonde's stomach hiccuped into her ribcage when she walked in and she had to blink back the sting of tears when she smelled Alex in the air.

She paced around aimlessly for a bit before Alex handed her a shallow glass of whiskey. She cradled her drink and took spaced out sips as she scanned the place for a while longer. The glass coffee table was as reflective as it was when she first saw it. The quaint yet endlessly sophisticated round table still sat in its place next to the broad window. The chairs too. Everything was how she left it three months ago. It was almost heartbreaking as to how _exact_ it was.

She thought she heard faint wisps of music. And an open door at the end of the hallway that caught her wandering eye proved her theory right. It was a door that she always thought was a wall. She neared it slowly, the music getting louder, as if she was afraid of what was inside. And since she almost was, she thought it best to ask.

"What's in there? All the times I've gone here, I've never seen that room." All hints of fear left and they were replaced with childlike curiosity. She meandered down the short corridor and peered into the room before walking completely inside. She felt Alex close at her tail.

"It's the kid's art studio and bedroom. She doesn't normally leave the door open at night. It was supposed to be an office for myself, but I figured she needed the space more than I did."

Piper had to swallow down the "holy shit" that was begging to escape her lips as the now coherent psychedelic indie tune swelled about her. It was a wonderland there. Everything the room held was beyond the word _beautiful_. No word or combination of sounds existed to describe how fascinating it all was.

The room itself was art. There was no source of artificial light to be found. (Piper assumed that it was all sunlit and it made her admire the place even more.) Models of animals, live plants, and various splats of paint were scattered about the place. Brushes and instruments of every shape and kind were in a neat arrangement on a table in the corner of the room. Advanced works of anatomy with their Latin names, landscapes, and portraiture on hung on proud display on the walls. The scent of paint and creativity lingered in her nose along with traces of Alex. She inhaled the aroma like a fatal drug. She felt a smile unfold across her cheeks when she saw the war horse painting from when they first met standing on an easel, a blue ribbon pinned to the corner. She finally saw the now (almost) finished mural of the violet eyes on the back wall and her jaw nearly dropped to the floor.

She couldn't contain her "Holy shit" that time.

She looked a little further down and found the brilliant artist who made the place, sleeping soundly on the splattered tarp with her brushes and palette.

She was in a stained t shirt and there were colors all in her ebony hair. Her legs were pulled in close to her chest and though she only saw the back of her, she seemed so peaceful. Piper couldn't help but chuckle to herself. It was all too picturesque.

"Oh." Alex smiled too when she noticed the girl. She bit down a laugh as she crept over and gently shook her from her slumber. The woman helped her to her feet and led the half asleep artist to her to the bed a few feet away, tapping something on the bedside table to shut off the music. Amelia went limp again upon contact with the plush mattress and Alex tucked the covers over her petite frame. Amelia mumbled incoherently as she squirmed about and Alex squatted next to the bed and shushed her, reminding the girl that she was still there. She raked her hands through her midnight hair and continued the tender motion long after she stopped moving. Her hands moved down to caress her moonlit cheek and Piper saw a smile curve the shape of her lips.

"Night, baby." Alex planted a kiss on the girl's forehead and left a final stroke soft against the side of her face. Amelia never knew that Alex called her that. Ever. From the moment she was born, it was always "kid". The girl even _preferred_ it. But Alex would slip the name every so often when she was asleep. As much as Alex loved to call her by her signature pet name, "baby" was one that was sacred only to her. It was the one that made her _feel_ like a mother. It reminded her of how unexpected her daughter was. How a cocky twenty-year-old Alex would howl with laughter at the idea of having a child. It reminded her of how painless raising her was. It brought memories of Amelia picking up on big words and tracing over her tattoos and her eskimo kisses in the winter time. It reminded Alex how much she really fucking loved her. And it reminded her that her almost eighteen-year-old was still _her_ baby and that no matter what happened, she always would be.

"Sorry, that happens every so often," Alex said as she walked back to Piper, who was still wistfully gazing as the sleeping girl.

"No, no it's fine." It was more than fine with Piper. She was replaying the beautiful scene over and over in her mind. Her heart melted at how cinematic it was. Alex putting her very teenaged daughter to sleep was like watching a celestial lullaby being sung by one angel to another. Motherly Alex was the most beautiful form of Alex there was. She looked like she was one with the moon that bathed the both of them. She quieted the roars of the vicious city below them and cast away the bellowing of the world in those moments. Something about this Alex made Piper want to cry. Either because it was all too perfect or because she wanted nothing but to be a part of those moments. Maybe it was both, but Piper didn't care why. All she knew was that she couldn't stand the depravity any longer.

Both of them watched Amelia sleep in silence, their breaths keeping in time with her's.

"She's a damn good kid. I have no clue how," Alex chuckled to herself, almost as if she didn't know that she was the one who raised her.

"Well that's because she has you." It took Piper a minute to realize that she let that slip. It wasn't bad that she said it, it just wasn't in good timing.

And timing was everything now.

"Sorry I-"

"No, it's-"

Both of them were awkwardly fumbling with the situation. Piper looked down at their shoes, Alex settled her teeth into her lip. The two of them were listening to the phrase on repeat. The words has flowed from her so naturally, as if she had known that Alex was a mother this whole time. As if she had known that Alex cried every night for a year when she was twenty-one and stuck with a baby and a job in a drug ring. The words were so casual. So _right_.

Then blue met green and everything was said in silence.

" _I'm sorry."_

" _I know."_

" _I love you."_

Alex didn't need words or eyes to answer. She tattooed the response on Piper's aching lips.

/

The sex was nice.

It wasn't rushed or ravenous like most of their nights were. It was chaste in a way. Nothing freakishly erotic or experimental. Alex was gentle with her, making sure she was fine throughout as if Piper was a virgin. No gesture was rough and no wounds or scratches marked their bodies. Every touch was soft and tender, as if every movement was showing love in different languages.

Neither of them actually said the words, though.

They let their bodies do all the talking.

But the kiss.

The kiss was everything.

It was frantic. When Alex pressed her starving lips on Piper's, it was like every paradox and mystery of their turbulent relationship finally made sense. She was recklessly tangling her hands into the gold strands of Piper's hair and hanging onto her every moan like it was gospel. Every knot in her back was unraveled as she felt the blonde's tongue run across her lip. Piper's blood was lukewarm as it rushed through her body and as her hands rushed up to Alex's neck. Goosebumps freckled her body when she felt a hand slide up her shirt. She was crazed with want and desire like an animal in the wild. It almost _scared_ her how much she wanted Alex. Then, now, and every moment after. Both of them were fire then. And they burned together.

Neither of them could tell who woke up first either. As soon as one of them opened their sleep laden eyes, they found the opposite pair already awake. Piper did her classic slow blink and Alex responded with her classic low hum in response. Their feet whined against the cold tile, not used to the icy shock, but they continued their walk to the kitchen as they had done a thousand times before.

Alex's eyes strained to see over her shoulder when she was checking to see if Piper was still there.

She thought she was sneaky.

"What?"

"What _what."_

"I'm not going anywhere."

"What?" Alex nervously adjusted her glasses.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm right behind you."

Alex hid her blush behind her hair. She never blushed. Ever.

Piper kept her word and followed her all the way into the kitchen. She retrieved her own mug from the mahogany cabinet above the stove and filled her own cup of coffee. She even made them toast. As if she lived there. As if she shared the place with Alex. But the other woman didn't mind. She didn't mind at all.

They redid parent-teacher conferences. Piper raved at how knowledgeable Amelia was and how she wished that she'd have more input in discussions. Alex laughed at that, making sure Piper knew how unlikely that was.

"We Vauses are more the dark horse type." She said as she cocked her eyebrow. Piper tried to come up with something witty to say, but she found herself stuttering and blushing when Alex laughed. Her gaze focused on the woman's smirked lips. But when she brought her blue eyes to meet Alex's, the smirk released into a warm smile.

They held that gaze for a while, almost unable to break it. But Piper's hands wandered across the table and found Alex's. They grazed over the tops of her fingers and ran over the surface of her wrist. Alex took her eyes away from Piper's face to watch, but after a while she turned her own hand over and held the blonde's, weaving her thumb through her knuckles. They whispered against the bends and shapes of their palms, writing poetry with the tips of their fingers.

It was like their hands were falling in love with each other too.

They eventually arose and gathered Piper's things, as they had done so many times in the past. She stepped into her shoes and into her coat, ready for the cab that waited outside.

Alex walked her to the door, almost reluctant to open it for her to leave. But Piper turned around to look at her.

Her eyes momentarily met Amelia's. She was standing in the corridor, a knowing smile spread across her gentle face.

The girl tilted her head in the direction of her mother and Piper obeyed.

And the two stood there. Every moment and shadow and changing season led them to the inside of a door frame at 10:27 in the morning, with every inch of nostalgia in the cracks of the tile and uncertainty in the corners of their skin.

Piper swallowed.

"Hey, uh. This isn't the last time we see each other."

Alex smiled.

"I hope not."

She stayed there for just a moment longer and then she started down the empty hallway, the words ringing in her ears.

Amelia walked out from her hiding spot and joined Alex, wrapping her arms around her mother's body.

Alex did the same to her daughter as they watched Piper grow smaller until she was gone.

"Are we gonna be okay?"

"We'll be okay. I promise."

 **Fin.**

* * *

 _Author's note: Thank you. That is all there is left to say. ~S_


	10. Optional epilogue

Lots of you wanted an epilogue. So read if you want.

i love you, ~S

* * *

 _(One year)_

It wasn't until Alex had to figure out how to work the overwhelmingly modern coffee machine by herself that things started to sink in. She was in denial that whole summer. She spent every possible moment with Amelia just to mute the painful reminders that she'd be leaving that September. Even when she left the complex in her Cornell sweatshirt with all her boxes and even when they were waving goodbye outside in the chill, it never really sunk in.

Piper left Amelia with verbose reminders to use protection. And she cried. She held the girl in her sweatered arms and inhaled in the signature scent of pressed linens and paint as if she'd never breathe it again. Amelia ran her thumb over the curve of her cheekbone to wipe the warm tears away, reassuring her that she'd be okay. Alex waited until they were inside the penthouse to free the tears that begged release. But these tears were different. They didn't drag down like serrated edges against her cheeks or leave dark shadows in the corners of her chest. They were light as they glided down from her glassy eyes. Like gentle rain in summer. It all was bittersweet, but they were happy. Happy that Alex received her validation for getting the whole mother thing right. Happy for Amelia getting into fucking _Cornell_. Happy for Piper that she could be there for all of it. And happy that they were together in the opulent living room, wrapped up in each other and swaying to no music at all.

Just heartbeats. Just breathing. Just them.

/

"Hey kid,"

"Hey, Mom! I thought I'd check up on you guys. See how everything is."

Amelia's phone calls made the glowing penthouse shine brighter than it already was. Whenever her voice would sing through the telephone line, the sun would seem to harmonize with her. (That was a phenomenon science had yet explain).

"Is that Amelia?" Piper perked up from her plush nest of cashmere blankets and Emily Dickinson on the couch.

"Yeah she's-" she gave Alex no time before she was up and stealing the phone away from her ear.

"Hi Amelia! We miss you!"

"Miss you too, Piper."

"How's school?"

"Good, I-"

"Did you get the sheets we sent you?"

"Yes, they're wonderful. Thank you."

"I was speaking!" Alex finally worked up the nerve to swipe the phone back from her, thus causing a surprised and displeased Piper to protest.

"Just put me on speaker, Jesus." They could hear her brown eyes rolling back to see inside her skull. Slightly embarrassed, they tapped the speaker icon and set the phone on the granite countertop.

"Are you guys doing good?"

"Everything's great here. It's quiet here without you."

"Pfft. It wasn't so quiet last night," Alex smirked as she grabbed a handful of Piper's ass.

"Hey!"

"What? I can't help that you're a fucking _fire alarm_ in bed."

" _Mom!"_

That earned Alex a crisp smack on the shoulder from Piper. But she snaked an arm around her waist anyway and laughed into a fond kiss.

A kiss that lost its innocence within a matter of seconds.

Alex began to pattern languid circles around the Piper's hips and she felt a shudder beneath her black painted fingertips, never breaking the steamy contact of their lips. Her sly hand crept up the blonde's loose flannel and latched onto the small curve of her breast, backing her into the counter as she swelled against the lust-filled touch. Piper hopped up on the granite when her lower back couldn't take the untamed pressure any longer. She wrapped her bare legs around Alex almost immediately as she stepped inside. Her hips rolled instinctively against her when the scorching pair lips travelled down to the crook of her neck. She gave Alex's inky hair a lazy tug as a sign to keep going.

And she did.

Alex continued to give attention to the sensitive spot on Piper's neck as her hands painted down her body. They were tantalizing as they roved over the smooth path of the blonde's thighs, sending shivers rippling down her body. Every nerve inside her burning on their edge. Alex inched a hand back up Piper's leg and slipped it under the waistband of whatever the hell was keeping her away from the needing spot between her thighs.

Piper's lazy tugs lost their lazy quality.

"Anyway, I'll be back after exams and for Christmas which is only a few weeks away. So-"

Piper's feverish moan was all it took for Amelia to decode the scenario on the other line.

"Are you guys giving me phone porn _again_? Guys, we talked about this. At _least_ wait till I hang up."

"..."

Amelia puffed a heavy sigh of apathy out from her nose.

"Call me when you're done. Don't... hurt yourselves."

She hung up.

And they never noticed.

* * *

i hope you guys enjoyed this petite bonus chapter. Thank you all so much again. This won't be the last thing you read. I love you ~S


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